On reflection, there has not been a day in my life when I have felt that I truly belong in my current existence. I have strong empathic traits ( so much so that when I have been emotionally close to someone I have developed their physiological anomalies, for example my spine developed a slight curvature) and a strong sense of spirituality. These may be part of the reason as to why I feel this way.
As I grew up I did all the usual ‘growing up as a human’ type things, from an hedonistic youth to marriage and a family as well as a career.
Despite this I have always felt living a human life was rather an effort, that my life was somehow a kind of ‘job’ I had to do.
This has historically led to feelings of being lost and directionless in life, as if I had somehow been installed into my body and marooned on Earth.
Today as I sit on my porch drinking coffee and smoking the occasional cigarette, I find myself again reflecting on my past, present and future. Everyone seems to be committed to their human life, seemingly comfortable with their existence as they ( to me) carry on apparently unconsciously in their day to day activities dictated by previously laid out neural pathways. I admit at times I am quite jealous as I seem
unable to succumb to what appears to be a blind acceptance of their lives and fate.
Even my body annoys me! I think it is because being empathic I sense the subtle energies in the world that can communicate on a gentle, sensual level of spirit whereas my physical senses seem clumsy limiting by comparison. I feel very much like a spiritual energy trapped in human form.
However I do not feel at all sorry for myself. In the end I believe I have been given the gift of a degree of consciousness which has led to spiritual and emotional growth. I have accepted that I am different and embrace it, the good and the bad.
The message is to anyone out there who feels they do not belong or feel isolated due to being seemingly different in some way, try to embrace your uniqueness, remain as authentic as you can be. I sense the world may need us to be the ones with clear vision, of balance, to be a neutralising agent against humanity’s frequent emotional pathology, if there is to be any peace and compassion now or in the future, we may well be an important part in ensuring that.