Journeying the Dark Night of the Soul

So here I am again. For many years I have traversed the path of depression and anxiety with varying degrees of intensity.

Those familiar feelings of sadness, listlessness, avolition and despair could almost be called my oldest associates. The continued attempts to cover it up from my nearest and dearest lest they worry. The anti depressants ( although vital at times to relieve the more extreme behaviours depression can elicit ) usually only really serving to put a temporary plaster on an emotional haemorrhage. The counselling and therapy where I have tied myself in knots without really appearing to address what the actual problem is. But this time I may do things differently.

I’m a kind of spiritual sort of guy and have thus for many years found a resonance with Carl Jung and his ideology. For some reason unbeknownst to me I had never thought to incorporate a Jungian view on my situation. His theory being that depression is not something to simply be rid of but a sign something is fundamentally wrong with a persons life. This ‘ problem’ may be many things and sometimes unconscious.

He suggests two ways of dealing with it. Firstly by going outwards and indulging in beauty / work and outer activity. The other is by going inwards. By ‘wrestling with the angel’ in order to learn from the depression. Through this it is said healing can take place and a possible growth of the personality towards wholeness.

The latter is the path I choose this time. I am fearful, yes, however this has gone on too long not to be faced up to and confronted once and for all. Wish me luck……

So Mote It Be……

So Mote It Be……..

So here he was.
At a stage in his journey where he had never been before. Letting the individuation process guide his choices via intuitive hints, synchronicities and dreams appears to have led to this place. In some ways it was comparatively deserted plain in terms of perspective. Ego driven goals no longer act as markers in day to day actions. Behaving in a way to control or contrive situations were now alien to him as he flowed with the tide of the day.
Ego centred action hid and hindered the growth of his true self by virtue of distraction and negative self talk.
But no more.
Now standing metaphorically before the shores of a new and uncharted land. There was no fear as to what lies ahead as he felt that he saw how life truly was.
No longer separated from the stars, oceans and mountains. As one with the flora and fauna of the planet, indeed with Earth and the Universe themselves.
To live his truth would be his shield and sword as he moved onward in life. Not for battles however but for clear seeing and the security of knowing he was as eternal as the world around him.

A Light in the Black?

A Light in the Black?… ( Empath reflections part two)

Seemingly he could no longer reliably depend on external information resources as a basis to understand the world and what was actually happening. Bias and agenda’s, both hidden and not, infiltrated newspapers and the media wherever he looked. Ten to twenty years ago this did not seem to be the case. Sure there was always some skullduggery going on but many news sources could be relied on to give a more objective account or at least, one knew of their bias.
Not so nowadays. There seemed to be so much false information around that individuals can pick and choose what they want to believe and find rhetoric to support it.
Whereas historically many people used social media and other resources to express their individual and unique experiences / understandings on issues, this no longer seems the case.
These days one can find a polarising influence i.e. a setting of one aspect of society against another. Opposing views are encouraged and promoted to the extreme, encouraging vitriolic exchanges between parties.
He had noted that these attitudes and ideas were now much more common in everyday society. Conversations overheard in cafe’s, restaurants and bars seemed to contain the same content as encouraged in media outlets.
So, what has actually changed over the last twenty or so years?
He decided to write down objectively ( as best he could ) what he had witnessed with his own two eyes ).

• increased homelessness
• less or lack of an ability of the under privileged or disabled to access appropriate benefits
• increase in race related crime
• increase in acts of random violence ( and increase in severity )
• the gradual breakdown of the family unit and supportive social networks in the comminity
• the rise of politicians and celebrities whose main claim to fame is overwhelming egocenticity. Many of these individuals are openly racist, bigoted and self serving. There views voiced with impunity
• an increase in mental health problems in the young on an unprecedented scale.

The list goes on.
What’s all this to do with spirituality or empathy one may ask? Everything he believed.
Carl Jung may have got it right he thought. These occurrences and behaviour were very much a shadow aspect to people’s personalities and so easily encouraged in those whom were unaware.
The unconscious ability to project one’s unacceptable feelings on to others, be them individuals or minority sections of society.

So what could he do if anything, he thought?
As an empathic individual such angst caused him to feel stressed and overwhelmed. A large part of him wanted to hide away from society and preserve some degree of sanity.
But he knew that would be pointless. He would still be able to ‘feel’ what was happening in the outside world. He would still hear silent cries of the hurt and wounded.
His resolve therefore was to carry on as he had been doing. After all there was still some goodness in people. There were after all individuals not that dissimilar to himself.
Through small acts of kindness and positive / supportive action he would act to counter balance what he perceived to be the trend.

Loneliness…………

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. ― Carl Gustav Jung

This quote pretty much defines my life experience up to now. I have witnessed beautiful aureate sunsets, inspiring sun rises, raging and tumultuous storms throwing oceanic waves mercilessly at the cliffs and Gaia’s subtle but numinous energetic pesence in wooded groves retaing their original genius loci.

I have been in awe at the many vista’s I have witnessed throughout my life but very few others ever seem to truly get the truly wonderous nature of our world. Many are in the grip in destination addiction, needing to get on and get things done. Or are so wrapped up in their own story that the outside world is only percieved as a projection of themselves. I suspect being empathic gives me a deeper and more sensitive predisposition to get truly lost in such experiences. To almost become as one with what is being witnessed, to feel the very essence of Natures forces.

If I was going to describe myself using adjectives ( which I am uncomfortable doing as the whole of a person is far more than the sum of parts ) those would be

– vegan ( none militant by the way, we have to find our own way in life in my opinion )

– spiritual ( I have had many spiritual like experiences usually along the lines of none duality / advaita. Despite not having any previous knowledge of these ideologies )

– empathic ( able to pick up on subtle energies from people, places, objects etc ).

So yes, despite having many people around me few really know how I experience life and what is really important to me on terms of what I truly appreciate in life. One does get used to the loneliness and sometimes it is enough to share it solely with oneself.

The Individuating Empath….

For those of us who feel that we have truly empathic ( energetically sensitive) nature, Carl Jung’s quote is particularly pertinent.
For our gift ( for despite its seeming burdens, is what it is) can prime us for spiritual and numinous experiences. Of course the downside can be seen as it can make one feel more isolated and misunderstood than others.
However, at the end of the day, the ability to feel and sense subtle energies can us a rich and bountiful life experience of which many could not begin to understand.
Also I personally have found that unless we take conscious control of our individuation process then we run the risk of losing ourselves and thus never reaching our potential. For as Jung states, the daemon within us will never quieten. For whatever avoidance tactics we employ such as intoxicating substances, affairs of the heart, work or reverie, the daemon will win out.

“The fact that a man who goes his own way ends in ruin means nothing … He must obey his own law, as if it were a daemon whispering to him of new and wonderful paths … There are not a few who are called awake by the summons of the voice, whereupon they are at once set apart from the others, feeling themselves confronted with a problem about which the others know nothing. In most cases it is impossible to explain to the others what has happened, for any understanding is walled off by impenetrable prejudices. “You are no different from anybody else,” they will chorus or, “there’s no such thing,” and even if there is such a thing, it is immediately branded as “morbid”…He is at once set apart and isolated, as he has resolved to obey the law that commands him from within. “His own law!” everybody will cry. But he knows better: it is the law…The only meaningful life is a life that strives for the individual realization — absolute and unconditional— of its own particular law … To the extent that a man is untrue to the law of his being … he has failed to realize his own life’s meaning”.

Carl Jung

The Journey…..

“The act of consciousness is central; otherwise we are overrun by the complexes. The hero in each of us is required to answer the call of individuation. We must turn away from the cacaphony of the outerworld to hear the inner voice. When we can dare to live its promptings, then we achieve personhood. We may become strangers to those who thought they knew us, but at least we are no longer strangers to ourselves”.

James Hollis, The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife (Studies in Jungian Psychology by Jungian Analysts, 59

Our own unique individuation process leads us, if followed, along a spiritual path. This may well differ for individuals but this is necessary.
Ultimately we need to trust in ourselves and that if we truly follow our heart’s compass then we can become whom we are meant to be.
There will be struggles of course, times when we may feel lost and alone, filled with self doubt and confusion. This too is part of the process. The spiritual seekers of old have well documented the challenges that one faces, but there is no growth without pain. As individuals we frequently underestimate our strength and tenacity which can lead us to turn to distraction from the cause or even complete abandonment of our path.

However it is my experience that unless we continue then our life will remain less than fulfilled. The hero in us calls for us to stand alone if necessary and separate oneself from all that does not resonate with our souls. Only then can we stand strong in our knowledge and belief that our lives are authentic and our actions just.
For myself, my friends, colleagues and family more often than not believe me to be quirky and perhaps a little crazy and therefore humour me.
But as I have ‘grown’, I have found that I am no longer dependent on any one thing or person to help define me. Through the individuation process one becomes an actualised and independent entity who is a true rendition of one’s inner self. You become invulnerable to life’s rigors and the childish chatter of the ego.

With this comes a creative and playful aspect to living. A pure enjoyment of life, uncomplicated and unburdened of fear or doubt, we celebrate every moment with an open heart and joyous gratitude.

An Anomalous Life…..

Ever since I can remember I have had anomalous experiences. These along with many other synchroniticous events have always hinted to me about the presence of something ‘other’ than what is ordinarily percieved in ordinary day to day life.
I have long since stopped sharing these episodes with others as it would appear that they are not common to many people. That is most individuals believe that I am either joking or are simply more unhinged than I appear already!!

This empathic trait of mine seems to allow me to access to the sensing of other energetic phenomena not common to others. A few examples follow, please indulge me as I would appreciate your thoughts –
– as a child I have a distinct recollection of conversing with a kind of Lilliputian group of people who lived in my house. They also had a german shepherd dog.
– Seeing fleeting glimpses of seemingly spirit like persons drifting across my bedroom
– have lived in many ‘haunted’ houses where soap has flown off window sills, doorbells rang where there were none, seeing part or whole human figures who passed through solid objects, shaking beds and creaking floorboards with no physical explanation to state just a few
– hearing ‘voices’ / partial conversations when no one was around
– feelings of being watched whilst visiting some ancient sites and having had later looked at the photo’s observed small, gremlin type faces in the undergrowth.

I have come to accept these things as ‘normal’ now and I simply smile wryly to myself at any further incidents, usually speaking aloud to whatever causative factor I percieve it to be.
It sometimes feels that I am in some way a catalyst to these events and are integral to them.

There are also varieties on this theme too whereby synchronitic occurrences take place or simply just odd situations occurring.
I once had a kundalini type experience whilst I was walking through a local park on a beautiful, sunny Autumn day. It was quite unnerving and on the way home I took time to peer into a nearby river. There for the first time I saw an eel swimming in the clear water. Following a bit of evening research I discoverd kundalini was described as a snake found at the base of the spine. Also that the symbol ouroboros related to some aspects of my life at that time.

It seems that the Universe may have many messages for us but we need to be open to them and be able to somewhat objective in their analysis in how they may relate to us.

” Synchronicity is an ever present reality for those who have the eyes to see”.
Carl Jung.

I would also add so are anomalous experiences 😊

Adventures in Empathy…………?

Having awoken I go through my usual morning routine.
Strong , hot coffee with the usual breakfast cigarette sitting on the decking looking out onto my ramshackle garden.
Providing my dream time has not been excessively infiltrated by seemingly high definition, Kafkaesque imagery my mind usually starts the day in a kind of tabula rasa modality. That is to say ‘not a lot going on’.
Taking in the dank,early morning air my mind gradually fills with a mixture of recent memories, vague plans for the day an reflections on recently read articles that have instilled in me a sense of intrigue.
These thoughts start off innocuous enough.
– An excerpt from an interview with Carl Jung where he discusses the tendencies of intuitive introverts which seems to me a pretty accurate description of an empath
– A recollection of yesterdays evening walk around a nearby ancient hillfort as the Sun was setting on the horizon. Searing sunlight blazing ochre behind the clouds redolent of seams of lava breaking through the Earth
– A mentally sketched plan to get out and do a little photography hoping to catch some images of Summers tentative withdrawal making way for the initial tendrils of Autumn subtly tinging Natures landscapes.

Returning to the kitchen I remember that I’m nearly out of coffee.
I carefully consider as to whether my need for further caffeine outways my apprehension of walking to the local shop and getting involved in the outside world so early in the day. Having donned sunglasses and a thin cotton hoodie I deem that the need for coffee is greater.
Walking out on to the street I realise that I was perhaps a little unprepared for the subsequent inundation of stimuli from the outside world.
– The roar of car engines as certain drivers manifest their ire and frustration in the manner of their driving
– A radio station on high volume from a closely parked car carries the news of abject suffering of women and children in a not so far away land ( my heart withers slightly on hearing this )
– A father roughly pulls his child by the arm and loudly berates him in front of commuters, the child’s only sin being that he is a child, full of energy, intrigue and playfulness. I know the child feels pained , vulnerable and hurting but still looks at his father in unwavering love
– An elderly lady hobbles precariously just ahead of me. As I pass I smell the odour of stale alcohol from her. Her rheumy eyes seemingly out of focus, unable to acknowledge my passing. Many an amount of alcohol she has consumed in an attempt to dull her past pain, to drown out those unbearable feelings of despair wrought upon her by others misdeeds. What was once her crutch had become her ultimate demise, lost in a world of welcome drunken incoherence.

I suddenly find myself at my front door having relinquished the hazardous trek. I had apparently decided somewhat unconsciously that this was something that had to be done later, probably when it was dark.
That brief journey had left me breathless with ever escalating feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. In the past I would probably have remained in that raw state for the remainder of the day however now that I am aware of my empathic predisposition, I am able to quickly ground myself with mindfulness and meditative techniques.
Empathy is indeed a double edged sword.
It can give us the ability to become sensitive to the most beautiful and exquisite aspects of our lives but also to the darker aspects of ours and others souls.

Self Fostering

Many of us I know are well aware of how modern western society either by accident or design ( or a combination of the two ) undermines the individuals predisposition to authentic spiritual growth.
The influence of our peer groups and the inherent wish for us to be accepted by those around us can distract us from our natural, personal needs in terms of fulfilling our spiritual potential.
The proliferation of electronic gadgetry available that provide novel and immersive experiences in an easily attainable manner can provide us with a short term fix of stimuli. This however is at the expense of longer term goals which may require some degree of dedication and effort.
The seemingly endless narrative of businesses advertising their goods in order to boost your attractiveness to others, to make you more efficient, to improve your material life and even to ‘ make you more spiritual! ‘

I think this probably stands for most people the world over, but few are more aware of this disparity than those of us who are considered empathic and / or have had numinous spiritual experiences that do not align to society’s norms.
We know that we do not ‘ fit in ‘, we are aware that what most individuals seem to seek or enjoy are not truly shared by ourselves.
Everyday conversation with the majority seems largely inane, insubstantial and rather tasking. This often makes us seem aloof, preoccupied and disinterested but this is because we so often are unable to share our pertinent experiences as most would not come anywhere near to grasping what we aretrying to communicate.
We sense something deeper albeit sometimes difficult to ascertain what exactly. It may be from synchronicities, spontaneous insights, anomalous events or personal intuitive revelations about the world around us.

I personally am not a stranger to the above however I hadn’t realised how actually disengaged from my spiritual growth I had become. I always considered myself ( in human terms as opposed to advaitic ) as a reasonably grounded person when it comes to living life authentically.
The revelation came about when my family went on holiday leaving me to my own devices at home alone. Along with this I was forced to take time off work due a foot injury. Being actively engaged both mentally and physically in work and family activities ( on reflection ) probably occupied 90%ish of my waking hours.
Subsequently whereas most of my day was largely task orientated. it then became mostly self directed.
The first few days I kept myself busy by doing odd jobs around the house but soon I found myself with vast amounts of time to fill.
Now with the week is almost over I have discovered / rediscovered the following:
– That I do not ‘ need ‘ to fill my time with activity but that I can simply enjoy the subtly quiet sensuality of the moment
– Just how much of my time is actually taken up with the usual day to day chores leaving little space to mentally, physically and spiritually breathe
– The ongoing pressure that I put upon myself in order to complete tasks to alleviate the stresses of others
– How much the effect of being around others for long periods can easily derail important self care.

Obviously I am not suggesting that we all leave our families and relationships and go and live in a cave on a faraway island somewhere. But what I do suggest is that we take time to reflect on our lives and how we live them. And that we give due consideration to ourselves, otherwise we can easily become disenchanted and unfulfilled and our perfect, individuating souls become lost in the machinations of modern society.

On The Couch………….

Having worked in the mental health field for many years I have had numerous conversations with various psychiatrists and psychologists around being empathic. Also about the role of numinous spiritual experiences in individuals.
The article that follows albeit a theoretical scenario is a fair precis of the my interactions with professionals both at work and in my own therapy, although a little ‘tongue in cheek’ at times.
I will refer to myself as Mr P and the health care professional as Mr T.

Mr T: “Hello Mr P, how can I help you today”?
Mr P: “Well it’s kind of complicated. It’s probably best if I give you a brief overview of my experiences to date.
Firstly I find myself to have strong empathic tendencies. I belong to a few empath groups in order to share our experiences as they seem to be somewhat unique amongst the general population.
Mr T: “Could you elaborate please”?
Mr P: “Of course. You see I have a high degree of energetic sensitivity. This means that I can pick up on subtle energy frequencies from people, places, objects etc. I may for instance feel another person’s emotional state, pick up on spiritual entities or sense inter dimensional activity. Previously before I knew that I was empathic I had great difficulty managing my emotional and mental health as I would unknowingly get ‘infected’ by someone’s emotional state and presume it was my own”.
Mr T: “Mmm, I see. Is there any other, how shall we say, special powers you may have”?
Mr P: “Just to clarify, I don’t particularly feel that I have special powers. I consider myself as just a little’different’.
I have had and still have strong spiritually numinous experiences.
These have taken the form of Kundalini / Advaitic or non duality episodes”.
Mr T: “Are they not aligned to the Hindu faith? But you are an English Caucasian”?
Mr P: ” Indeed they are. However they seem to be part of my spiritual growth. I am very much have the mindset of Carl Jung when it comes to individuation and personal spirituality”.
Mr T: “Are you aware that in psychiatry a belief that a person has which is not aligned to their culture or sub culture could be seen as delusional”?
Mr P: “Personally I believe that understanding to be over inclusive”.
Mr T: ” Mmm. So then, in what way do you find these personal traits problematic, if at all”?
Mr P: “Most of the larger problems came before I understood I was empathic as I stated previously.
I suppose the main problem, if you can call it that, is the feelings of isolation at times. It’s difficult on occasions to live in a society on a day to day basis that you don’t fit into.
For instance, I am frequently overawed by the beauty of Nature just by being in my garden. The verdant green of the lawn, shimmers of sunlight flickering through the trees casting animated shadows across borders. The small patch of daisies all leaning towards the sunlight seemingly in reference. It’s the frequent inability to share these sensual experiences leads the more human side of me to feel sad.
I suppose in essence there are two aspects to my personality. The more aware ,realistic spiritual side of myself and my more egoic part which wants to indulge the more human side of me”.
Mr T: ” Do you think that there may be two personalities within you?”
Mr P: “No, not at all. Just different aspects of my assumed whole”.
Mr T: ” Well Mr P, I feel that although you don’t seem to meet the exact criteria for most treatments,I can offer you a little something to help reduce these experiences then you may feel more ‘normal’. Some medication perhaps?”
Mr P: “Actually, no thank you. Our chat has actually helped somewhat in that I now appreciate even more than ever that I am extremely lucky to have such a sensitivity. I would rather live with it’s drawbacks than for anything to change.
Oh, by the way. Just a thought but do you think that you could prescribe medication for the many others who do not seem to appreciate the divinity of living a life on this Earth. I think that may help me more in the long term?”