It’s Been Awhile…. ( on curveballs and life)

Well it’s been over a year since I last wrote a post and what a year it’s been ( well two years actually). Just when you think you’re getting a handle on things, life throws you a curveball or several in my case. To name a few

– Suffering burnout from work and subsequently anxiety and depression.

– My mother developing cancer

– My eldest son bring beaten up and getting his skull fractured

– Financial difficulties due to a lack of a decent pay rise in ten years

– Being newly diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

Anyone who has read my blog knows at heart I’m a spiritual type of guy, so as you can imagine my life has thrown up some pertinent questions.

Generally my standpoint in life is many things happen for a reason, even though that may not be clear at the time. I do however feel that I have actually learnt something from the pain and anguish.

I have spent far too much energy and effort filling time with unnecessary but pleasantly distracting activities because I felt that I did not have the recourse for other, more meaningful ones. Such things as social media, popping into coffee shops or simply getting stuck in some form of behaviour which prevented me being alone with myself. The behaviour provided an excuse to not really confront the real issues which were present in my soul. They made me comfortable but not whole.

I currently have Covid so any sort of external activity has stopped and I have been left with little else to do but dig deeper into myself for answers. I have come to appreciate again those things in life that are most precious.

– the searing, flame ridden sunsets

– the majesty of birds and insects going about their daily lives

– the verdant, foliage ridden valleys blossoming in the Summer sun

– the primordial peace one can find when in the depths of the forest or by the ocean.

All this, when experienced calls to my eternal soul. I know that I have been witness to these events since time began. Every moment of our lives is a blessing and pregnant with magic and wonder if only we had eyes to see.

Obviously these experiences do not change difficult circumstances but they do however offer a different perspective. One of appreciation and love rather than stress and self pity.

So yes, I believe my recent problems have led me to begin again. To once more become of the world ( not just in it) and suitably humble. I am surely grateful.

As One……….

The chill November morning air washes over me as I greet the day sitting on my porch. A grey, rain laden sky hangs heavily overhead. A playful flock of house sparrows dive into the leafless overgrown bushes, a solitary robin perches on a twig overseeing the garden as if a self proclaimed custodian. A stiff breeze blows through the branches of the old oak tree, liberating a flurry of golden leaves whom pirouette and float earth bound in a final swansong of movement.
There’s a feeling of the eternal in this moment. A feeling of a shared witnessing with many ancestors whom had also experienced a oneness with the world. A virtual falling away of my personality leaving behind the bare constituents of my being.
The chemical elements such as calcium and carbon are to be found in the earth and all it begets as it is in me. The rain water and rivulets there from also form the same compounds that make up my tears and blood.
It is no surprise therefore that my soul finds eternal connection to all that has ever been, is and will ever be.

Epiphany….

The rain thunders downwards, straight and forceful hitting the ground like machine gun fire. The leaden grey sky reflected in the heaving tumultuous waves of the ocean creating an almost monochrome vista. This ruinous chapel affording my dank body some slight shelter from the elements. Situated in an open field on a rocky promontory forming a cape, surrounded by the relentlessly roaring sea, blending perfectly with its environs. The drystone walls, mortared rubble and rounded boulders of which it is constructed taken from the very earth on which it was constructed.

Huddled alone and drenched against the granite corbelled walls, my mortal self feels strangely alone. It’s as if I was the only living being in this seemingly austere yet enigmatic world. The only ever witness to the rugged beauty of the landscape.
Yet a paradoxical sense avails also.
A sense of oneness with the Earth, of being a unified part of all that was, is and will ever be. I am but a microcosm reflected in the greater whole.
In this rugged stone panorama I perceive my bones.
In the moss and meadow see my flesh.
In the sea and the rivulets of rain I behold my blood.
A numinous peace settles around my war torn heart.
For now I know ( as I have always known, deep inside), that I and all that is, are eternal.

With Impunity?

I believe that Man has largely yet to understand that in whatever activity he cannot ever act with impunity. For whatsoever he does to himself, he does to others. And what he does to others, he likewise does to himself. For at the lowest quantum strata we are and never have been separate from each other, or indeed from any one thing perceived. Be it the grass underfoot, the air that we breathe or the mountains and forests with all the wildlife therein that adorn our planet.
To realise this in one’s very heart can free us from our personal drama. Whatsoever then befalls us in life will never again be seen as either as good or bad, for it would never again be personal. It would be seen simply as part of the great unfolding of life of which all and everyone are inextricably linked.

pjwatkiss.

Cockroach Berry

An ode in the form of a tanka to the aforementioned fruit I found in my garden in England. It’s originally native to Brazil.

red cockroach berry
upon fragile stalk enthroned

red cockroach berry
upon fragile stalk enthroned
sense of loneliness
to be so far from home
together we exist, alone

ense of loneliness to be so far from home together we exist, alone

As One…….

As One………….

Sitting here upon an old sarsen stone on the hilltop over looking the river valley, I reflect on the true wondrousness of Nature and her infinite beauty.
Albeit early November, the heavy rains and recent high winds have taken their toll on the trees and bushes in view.

Much foliage has been washed or blown away leaving large portions of the fauna appearing comparatively skeletal beneath the setting Sun.
A fresh breeze struck up bringing the heavy earthy smell of sodden mulch to my nostrils, instantly whisking me away to my childhood playing hide and seek amongst the bracken in the local woods.
The Sun lower in the sky now, creating a deep amber glow across the horizon, casting the illusion of rivers of fiery lava between the slender stretches of cloud.
The fields, trees and hedges appearing to glow with new life under the gaze of the last vestiges of muted auric sunlight.
A couple of acer trees, their leaves seemingly ablaze with ethereal vitality as if in defiance at the ending of the day.
Even the trunks and limbs of a row of nearby elm trees appear blood red in the evening light.
A murder of rooks overhead caw loudly out to each other as if also in protest at the demise of the day, restricting their hunting until the morning sunrise.

In moments such as this, I easily lose my sense of self amongst the rich and exquisite tapestry of Nature’s views, smells and sounds.
I am the buzzard circling majestically, high above the ground, acutely aware of any movement below.
I am one of the ancient Yews that circle the hilltop, bearing silent intuitive witness to the seasons passing.
I am the cold crumbling stone masonry of the old castle, built aeons ago in the dim mists of time.
I am also this very earth, porous and yielding to the elements above yet an ever present memory to the thousands of years of history enacted upon me.

Any hint of separation of myself and all that is, was and will be has been lost forever. For I am too destined to always be an eternal part of life on Earths great cosmic dance.

An Anomalous Life…..

Ever since I can remember I have had anomalous experiences. These along with many other synchroniticous events have always hinted to me about the presence of something ‘other’ than what is ordinarily percieved in ordinary day to day life.
I have long since stopped sharing these episodes with others as it would appear that they are not common to many people. That is most individuals believe that I am either joking or are simply more unhinged than I appear already!!

This empathic trait of mine seems to allow me to access to the sensing of other energetic phenomena not common to others. A few examples follow, please indulge me as I would appreciate your thoughts –
– as a child I have a distinct recollection of conversing with a kind of Lilliputian group of people who lived in my house. They also had a german shepherd dog.
– Seeing fleeting glimpses of seemingly spirit like persons drifting across my bedroom
– have lived in many ‘haunted’ houses where soap has flown off window sills, doorbells rang where there were none, seeing part or whole human figures who passed through solid objects, shaking beds and creaking floorboards with no physical explanation to state just a few
– hearing ‘voices’ / partial conversations when no one was around
– feelings of being watched whilst visiting some ancient sites and having had later looked at the photo’s observed small, gremlin type faces in the undergrowth.

I have come to accept these things as ‘normal’ now and I simply smile wryly to myself at any further incidents, usually speaking aloud to whatever causative factor I percieve it to be.
It sometimes feels that I am in some way a catalyst to these events and are integral to them.

There are also varieties on this theme too whereby synchronitic occurrences take place or simply just odd situations occurring.
I once had a kundalini type experience whilst I was walking through a local park on a beautiful, sunny Autumn day. It was quite unnerving and on the way home I took time to peer into a nearby river. There for the first time I saw an eel swimming in the clear water. Following a bit of evening research I discoverd kundalini was described as a snake found at the base of the spine. Also that the symbol ouroboros related to some aspects of my life at that time.

It seems that the Universe may have many messages for us but we need to be open to them and be able to somewhat objective in their analysis in how they may relate to us.

” Synchronicity is an ever present reality for those who have the eyes to see”.
Carl Jung.

I would also add so are anomalous experiences 😊

On Growth, Transience and Love

( NB I wrote this awhile back when I was going through what I liken to a spiritual growth ‘spurt’. Fortunately I was able to make some changes but there is still more to come!) 😊❤️

As I meander through life some days, like this morning, my mind seems set on reflection.
There was a time when I believed in the permanence of things. That is, people, objects, beliefs and such like. But as I have grown older I have come to believe that all is indeed transient.
What served me in the past no longer does so. From career to relationships, many of those activities that I was happily involved in have now mainly become burdens which seek to follow me despite my wishes to start projects afresh.

I have no desire for personal wealth or possessions.
No inclination to pay lip service to individuals whose only interaction is based on purely reinforcement of the ego.
Neither do I feel that I have time to waste within my precious time on this Earth fitting into society’s expectations of whom or what sort of person I should be.

Looking out from my window I see a vista that is very familiar to me. However I am aware there are also exquisite, minute changes happening every second that I observe. The tinted golden leaves and heavy branches moving majestically in the stiffening chill Autumn breeze.
For all of life is in flux, there are no solid consistent particles that build the world around us. That is the optical delusion caused by our coarse senses and proffered by the society within which I was born.

As to the future?
To spend the remainder of my life in love and intimacy.
Investing time with those precious individuals to whom life is also sacred. Those who are aware of the innate divinity of the world and universe around us. Those human souls who are still strong and wise enough to wear their hearts on their sleeves.
To further develop an intimacy and love of Nature.
In watching the ethereal and eternal sunrises and sunsets.
In sensual awareness of the subtle change of seasons. Amongst the flora and fauna of this exquisite tapestry of life with which I am greeted in every moment.
Being where the the stormy, tumultuous, steely waves meet the rocky shore. To have one’s breath whisked away by the high gusts of winds blasting over me. Showered in sea spray bringing with it that salty, musty aroma that only the ocean can muster.

And for me to become truly whom I was meant to be. It may be that crazy eyed, dishevelled eccentric guy who sits quietly outside cafe’s busily writing down his thoughts.
It may be the man in simple clothes who sits atop of hills or in valleys simply watching, silently. Or the one whom sits in his study, surrounded by a multitude of books and articles. Spending his days browsing through the volumes content with his space, along with the somehow comforting smell that accompanies grey and discoloured pages of the old manuscripts.

Sanctum of Gaia

Sanctum of Gaia

The grey granite men of old stand silently sentient in the morning Autumnal must. For thousands of years they have witnessed generations of villagers go about their daily business, quietly watching, none judgemental and somehow protective.
As if the stone circles themselves had created an invisible cloak of protection over the hamlet, maybe honouring the ancestors of the dark and distant past who brought them to this place.

Still invested with magic from the primeval rituals of long, long ago. Their individual energies remain placid and latent.
However when sensed as part of the landscape along with their monolithic kin, the high banks surrounding them, the nearby Silbury Hill and the barrow graves of the Neolithic dead, the culmination of power is dizzying in its intensity.
The whole area is imbued with the divinity of the Earth herself. The stones themselves standing in stubborn testimony to their eternal reverence to Nature and her cycles.

Each single megalith upon closer scrutiny can be seen to have their own separate characteristics.
Their are tall, slimmer boulders as well as lozenge shaped squat ones.
The surface of some of the weathered, lychen encrusted stone facades seem to almost have idiosyncratic facial features. Small holes and the cracked rough surfaces combine to give the impression of gnarled grimaces and austere stares to those who care to see. It’s as if the stones themselves have taken on the guises of past villagers, immortalising them forever in this very place of their birth.

The purpose and meaning of the site has been subject to much scientific and at archeological investigation. However it will probably never be proven as the original builders were of a completely different mindset and culture. These structures were not from a post enlightenment analytical perspective but from more sensory primal era.
A time when Nature was invested with ethereal power, when man was at one with the wider world and his senses attuned accordingly to his environs. Through their vision only can this sanctum of Gaia be comprehended and fully understood.

Shifting Sands

I’ve always found it strange how my mindset can change from day to day ( sometimes hour to hour). Not usually to extremes thankfully but enough to make me aware of the fluctuant nature of both my mental and physical processes.

This Sunday morning, sitting on the porch looking out on the garden and outlying countryside I am in awe of the world before me.
All of Nature feels adance with energy. A myriad of creatures all going about their daily business in perfect symphony with the stiff breeze that has excited the branches and leaves into a seemingly synchronitic movement.
I can almost sense the thrum of the very vibrancy of life coursing through the flora and fauna.
I too cannot help but be infected by the apparent urgent burgeoning of the raw potentiality of the day.

A single bee frantically busying itself collecting the last vestiges of nectar from the fading pink flowers of the Japanese Anemone.
A small flock of house sparrows and starlings descend on the pond to drink and bathe in a flurry of activity.
Two grey squirrels dart and leap amongst the branches of the old oak tree feverishly gathering acorns in readiness for the leaner times ahead.
The eternal moist freshness of the cool morning air blowing gently through my hair and over my bare skin, as if anointing me for the day ahead.
The primal cry of a nearby rook breaks the silence of the early morning bringing me briefly back from my reverie.

It’s in moments such as these that I am reminded of the true divinity innate in all of existence.
That every single second of our lives should be spent in eternal gratitude of this gift of human life.
It is truly humbling yet paradoxically liberating to realise that I too am just as much a part of Natures perfect tapestry.
I am as one with the all that abides on the Earth, the stars, the Moon and all the galaxies that exist billions and billions of miles away.
This flimsy carapace of flesh and bone had fooled me long enough into believing I was an isolated soul, abandoned on a planet speeding inanely in space.
I realise now that there is no singular life or death of anything or anyone, simply an unfolding of all that is.