During my youth I veritably skipped and danced through life. Full of optimism, convinced of my immortality, naive in the belief that whatever the world threw at me I had the energy and resources to overcome.
My relationships with the opposite sex were mostly brief, friendly and lovingly amicable as I tested the waters of adulthood. I was blissfully unaware of how complicated and detrimental however these could become.
I was also not aware of my empathic inclination. I assumed that everyone experienced the world as I did. That the almost painfully exquisite depths of my emotions and senses were shared by all.
Which is why I when we first met I took our mutual attraction at face value.
On reflection, it was a completely unconscious connection on both our parts. I had what seemed to be an inexhaustible supply of love and compassion, almost too much for my heart and soul to comfortably contain. I had a natural urge to lavish these feelings on those that were close to me.
I mistook your comparable intensity of emotions for me as love.
Despite my then belief, that the powerful, almost uncontrollable magnetic attraction between us was a sign of a truly symbiotic union. Ironically the opposite was true.
My depths of love was met with your paucity.
My compassion was met with self indulgence.
My emotional energy was met with a veritable vacuum which you needed me to fill.
My unconditionality was met with control.
That was the attraction.
I had so much to give and your need was endless .
Perversely, without knowing, your need provided an outlet for me to indulge and express my natural urge to divest my deep feelings. You were were an infinite canvas on which I could paint every faint tint or luxurious tone of my emotional self.
But all our resources are finite despite our assumptions.
Following the inevitable demise of our time together, I now understand our attraction.
Essentially I was the rescuer and you had the most need to be rescued. You needed rescuing from yourself, from the soul destroying ache of being alone and feeling unloved.
You had sought all your life to silence the pain left in you as a child but you could only ever manage temporary relief.
I fear the spectre of that loss of part of your life will haunt your life forever.
But I realise now that my sacrifices could never have been enough. If I had remained, I would have been guilty of my own emotional manslaughter.