It’s Been Awhile…. ( on curveballs and life)

Well it’s been over a year since I last wrote a post and what a year it’s been ( well two years actually). Just when you think you’re getting a handle on things, life throws you a curveball or several in my case. To name a few

– Suffering burnout from work and subsequently anxiety and depression.

– My mother developing cancer

– My eldest son bring beaten up and getting his skull fractured

– Financial difficulties due to a lack of a decent pay rise in ten years

– Being newly diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

Anyone who has read my blog knows at heart I’m a spiritual type of guy, so as you can imagine my life has thrown up some pertinent questions.

Generally my standpoint in life is many things happen for a reason, even though that may not be clear at the time. I do however feel that I have actually learnt something from the pain and anguish.

I have spent far too much energy and effort filling time with unnecessary but pleasantly distracting activities because I felt that I did not have the recourse for other, more meaningful ones. Such things as social media, popping into coffee shops or simply getting stuck in some form of behaviour which prevented me being alone with myself. The behaviour provided an excuse to not really confront the real issues which were present in my soul. They made me comfortable but not whole.

I currently have Covid so any sort of external activity has stopped and I have been left with little else to do but dig deeper into myself for answers. I have come to appreciate again those things in life that are most precious.

– the searing, flame ridden sunsets

– the majesty of birds and insects going about their daily lives

– the verdant, foliage ridden valleys blossoming in the Summer sun

– the primordial peace one can find when in the depths of the forest or by the ocean.

All this, when experienced calls to my eternal soul. I know that I have been witness to these events since time began. Every moment of our lives is a blessing and pregnant with magic and wonder if only we had eyes to see.

Obviously these experiences do not change difficult circumstances but they do however offer a different perspective. One of appreciation and love rather than stress and self pity.

So yes, I believe my recent problems have led me to begin again. To once more become of the world ( not just in it) and suitably humble. I am surely grateful.

Journeying the Dark Night of the Soul

So here I am again. For many years I have traversed the path of depression and anxiety with varying degrees of intensity.

Those familiar feelings of sadness, listlessness, avolition and despair could almost be called my oldest associates. The continued attempts to cover it up from my nearest and dearest lest they worry. The anti depressants ( although vital at times to relieve the more extreme behaviours depression can elicit ) usually only really serving to put a temporary plaster on an emotional haemorrhage. The counselling and therapy where I have tied myself in knots without really appearing to address what the actual problem is. But this time I may do things differently.

I’m a kind of spiritual sort of guy and have thus for many years found a resonance with Carl Jung and his ideology. For some reason unbeknownst to me I had never thought to incorporate a Jungian view on my situation. His theory being that depression is not something to simply be rid of but a sign something is fundamentally wrong with a persons life. This ‘ problem’ may be many things and sometimes unconscious.

He suggests two ways of dealing with it. Firstly by going outwards and indulging in beauty / work and outer activity. The other is by going inwards. By ‘wrestling with the angel’ in order to learn from the depression. Through this it is said healing can take place and a possible growth of the personality towards wholeness.

The latter is the path I choose this time. I am fearful, yes, however this has gone on too long not to be faced up to and confronted once and for all. Wish me luck……

The Invisible Illnesses

Although mental illness has often been described as one of those ‘invisible illnesses’, it can be equally and even more afflicting than the more visible physical ones.

Many of us afflicted are found in all walks of society e.g. politicians, servicemen, doctors, shopkeepers and window cleaners to name a few.
We may have anxiety / depression / PTSD / psychosis or some disorder of personality but most of the time, upon a quick appraisal, we would seem no different to anyone else.
There is no physical test for such malaise, only the subjective assessment by a ‘suitably qualified other’. We can often feel invalidated or ‘weak’ in some way.

However the truth is far from that.
It takes an amazing amount of strength, tenacity and courage to carry on a day to day existence under the burden of such a diagnosis.
We can wake up every morning not knowing how we are going to feel throughout the daylight hours. We often cannot predict how we will cope and this can fill us with feelings of dread.
We often carry on caring for others, going to work and socialising despite the fact that every moment can feel torturous as we seek to maintain an outward facade of ‘normality’.
We frequently do this to support our loved one’s and peers, when deep inside we only really want to curl up under our duvet and await a better day.
We can often only hold ourselves together with a combination of medication, alcohol and drugs which can act as a transient form of putty to temporarily fill the gaps in our aim to present as a functional human being.

So although we probably won’t accept it or find it difficult to believe, we are deserving of acknowledgement if only amongst ourselves.
So I raise a toast to all those out there with those hidden illnesses.
We are truly remarkable people, unfortunately this too can remain unseen.

A Letter to the Wounded

For most of us there will times in our lives that are difficult or hurtful in some way. 

We may, for instance, have lost a loved one, be diagnosed with a serious illness, be painfully lonely and lost. 

Our reactions to these events will to some extent be dependent on our individual strengths and resources. 

Many people will become somewhat depressed / anxious due to the radical change in their circumstances. It is not unusual to have this adjustment reaction. 

However, for many it can be severe and prolonged causing intense emotional pain and giving rise to physical and psychological symptoms. 

We can become trapped in our own mental prison, in a constant cycle of negative and self depreciative thoughts which self perpetuate. 

This mindset can colour all that we perceive around us. 

We can feel helpless, weak and vulnerable to any intrusion from the outside world which is why many hide themselves away, both physically and emotionally. 

The future may seem bleak and intimidating , the present moment may be filled with fear and dread.

At our lowest ebb, it seems life becomes a living, dark nightmare from which escape is impossible. 

We lose perspective and forget what life can hold for us 
Did you forget the radiant sunrise at the dawn of the day? 

Did you forget the gleeful looks of your loved ones when you entered the room?

Did you forget the powerful roar of ocean waves as they are thrown ashore? 

Did you forget Nature’s seasonal masterpieces?

The crystal like frost of Winter, 

The gentle awakening and resurrection of the flora and fauna in Springtime. 

The warm Summer sun giving rise to the fruition of Gaia herself as she manifests at her zenith.

The subtle encroachment of Autumn as the leaves colours become almost iridescent and the cool, damp chill of the morning air.
No matter how wounded we are we can still experience the wonders of our world. 

We can still get excited about an impending celebration. 

We can still stare in awe at the Moon in the pitch black night sky. 

We can still cherish the love of other humans and animals.

We can still discover new and life changing experiences providing we are open to them.

By their very nature wounds heal. 

It may take time depending on the severity but it will. 

The deeper wounds may leave scars.

Scarred skin is more resilient and tougher than skin that has not been wounded.
So if you are sitting there in your darkest night of your soul, unable to see the way forward. 

Rest assured that if you have patience and give yourself the opportunity, this time will pass.

You will learn from this experience as your life begins to improve. 

For if ever it happens again, you will know that you can again triumph and win your life back.

Your Eyes………

Your eyes are, after all, the gateway to your soul. 

All the past hurts, pain, joy and love you have experienced are their for those who can ” see ” to see. 

You have battled for forty years, first to try and save yourself then to save close friends, family and children. To protect them, to feed them physically and emotionally. 

Despite all the physical and emotional scars you have received over time , you have stood strong. 

You have lived your life without religious belief or any crutch to keep your spirit aloft. Your religion has been simply of having a pure and compassionate heart. A natural, uncomplicated spirituality which resides in your human soul, untouched by the mind, one in which your actions have always reflected your innermost self.
The years have taken their toll, physically and emotionally. At this very moment you need a crumb of the love you have given to be returned. Your heart needs to feel warmth and gentleness of another, someone who can see you. Someone who recognises your strength and your suffering, who completely accepts you as you are. 

In whose eyes reflect deep human compassion, compassion that will be eternal and unwavering. 

An unspoken acknowledgement of ones truth, of being accepted unconditionally as a human being, in all their own raw vulnerability. 

Once received, your mind and body visibly relax, you no longer have to pretend to be fine. All the energy utilised to maintain the facade of being able to cope is released.

You know that you will never be truly alone, that there will really be someone who cares and understands.

And if warmth and compassion can reside in one individual then it must reside in others. 

 That there is always hope. That despite how desperate the situation, if one looks hard enough, trust in humanity can be restored. It is never always going to be easy, but having made that human connection, there will always be hope.

An Open Book?

An Open Book?

Before I realised I had empathic tendencies I often used to get confused and disorientated by the sheer swathes of emotions and feelings that used impose themselves on me from all quarters. Especially as I work with people suffering from mental health problems some of the mindsets I have found myself sharing has on occasions been harrowing.
Now that I am more grounded and insightful my empathy can really prove useful when working with individuals.
I mostly try not to pay to much attention to my intuitions on a day to day basis as it interferes quite badly with ‘normal ‘communication for me.
However I have at times used it to help me understand others and their motives.
I have met many people both in and out of work who I can sense their psychological position , their subjective interpretation of reality. No two people are the same.
For instance, a relative of mine has sociopathic tendencies. He felt very cold and empty emotionally, a feeling of not being to display or understand love as he had seemingly never encountered it. His only goal was to control his world in order to reduce any threat to his unstable ego.
An anxious / depressed individual who feels they are lost at sea, who believes they are at the mercy of an unpredictable world which may overwhelm them at any moment. Wanting only a sanctuary of psychological peace where they no longer feel vulnerable.
The fear of someone with paranoia, of not being able to effectively perceive threats, of what is real or imagined. Of not feeling able to share those feelings as it may only go to further alienate others from someone who already feels alienated from the world.
Every person tells a story – mostly people seem to be a sum of their experiences but in that, they are in still in a ‘process’. A process of becoming, depending on subsequent experiences will ultimately decide an individuals fate in relation to their growth and ability to ‘move on’.