It’s Been Awhile…. ( on curveballs and life)

Well it’s been over a year since I last wrote a post and what a year it’s been ( well two years actually). Just when you think you’re getting a handle on things, life throws you a curveball or several in my case. To name a few

– Suffering burnout from work and subsequently anxiety and depression.

– My mother developing cancer

– My eldest son bring beaten up and getting his skull fractured

– Financial difficulties due to a lack of a decent pay rise in ten years

– Being newly diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

Anyone who has read my blog knows at heart I’m a spiritual type of guy, so as you can imagine my life has thrown up some pertinent questions.

Generally my standpoint in life is many things happen for a reason, even though that may not be clear at the time. I do however feel that I have actually learnt something from the pain and anguish.

I have spent far too much energy and effort filling time with unnecessary but pleasantly distracting activities because I felt that I did not have the recourse for other, more meaningful ones. Such things as social media, popping into coffee shops or simply getting stuck in some form of behaviour which prevented me being alone with myself. The behaviour provided an excuse to not really confront the real issues which were present in my soul. They made me comfortable but not whole.

I currently have Covid so any sort of external activity has stopped and I have been left with little else to do but dig deeper into myself for answers. I have come to appreciate again those things in life that are most precious.

– the searing, flame ridden sunsets

– the majesty of birds and insects going about their daily lives

– the verdant, foliage ridden valleys blossoming in the Summer sun

– the primordial peace one can find when in the depths of the forest or by the ocean.

All this, when experienced calls to my eternal soul. I know that I have been witness to these events since time began. Every moment of our lives is a blessing and pregnant with magic and wonder if only we had eyes to see.

Obviously these experiences do not change difficult circumstances but they do however offer a different perspective. One of appreciation and love rather than stress and self pity.

So yes, I believe my recent problems have led me to begin again. To once more become of the world ( not just in it) and suitably humble. I am surely grateful.

Mental Health…..?

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
― J. Krishnamurti

I love this quote❤️
It’s quite simple in its sentiments but at the same time has far reaching implications when looked at in its broadest sense.
Although I don’t feel society is profoundly sick in its worse sense, it seems at the very least misguided. I know that many people have no issues with the way they live their lives and the societal environment within which they do so .
However myself and many other ‘sensitive’ / empathic individuals, from the conversations I have had, do indeed struggle.

We are after all acutely aware of the suffering of others, animals and even our planet.
We can pick up on subtle energies around us to the point of psychicism at times.
Our sensitivity heightens our perception and reaction to injustice, violence or abuse of any kind and generally and we are warm, caring and selfless as our predisposition could not allow us to be anything other.

This degree of sensitivity can effect us in many ways, not least of which our mental health.
The media constantly bombards society with high impact imagery in the form of soundbite adverts, movies, music and other information. Many people seem completely unaffected by this and in many cases seek it out and avidly share viewpoints on the gorier details of programmes or the news etc.
The promotion of the individual and the gathering of material wealth runs through the whole of western society, even seemingly at the expense of others in terms of one upmanship.
The reporting and treatment of others portrayed as outside our remit of concern ( that is those whom are of a different ethnicity / culture / country or social class) can be biased and punitive.
With many of our peers, friends and colleagues being of a not dissimilar mindset, this can leave us feeling isolated and unsupported.

Therefore it is no surprise that many of us succumb to mental health difficulties. In fact it would probably be more surprising if we didn’t!
Personally I suspect many people in todays society feel similar but possibly to a lesser degree.

Being empathic, for me is a spiritual gift. Whereas seemingly with the majority of the populace, spirituality plays little or no part.

” Modern society came into existence during the industrial revolution, when large portions of the population were driven from small towns into big cities in search of work and opportunity – instigating the birth of a mass society. While the development of a mass society generated benefits through the intensification of the division of labor, it also brought perilous problems. “This new form of existence…produced an individual who was unstable, insecure, and suggestible.” (Carl Jung, The Fight With the Shadow)

Perhaps the way the western world has subsequently developed is an artificial antidote to a factitious malady.
Maybe empathic / sensitive individuals have somehow remained unaffected by societys current burgeoning ideologues hence wishing for a simpler, more heartfelt existence.

Starting Over…….

I have seared my soul in the torrid flames of passion. I have had my heart ripped out of my chest through loss. I have trembled in fear at the feet of an unpredictable future. I have cried sea’s of tears from the ravages of my past.

So many invisible scars running right through to my core. Through all of life’s pain, I regret nothing. The enthralling highs and the pitch black, all consuming lows. For I have learnt so much from my journey. The fleetingness of our passage through life. The transience of relationships and situations which organically move forward to chapters new. The impermanence of pain and joy, those precious jewels in time forever to remain in memory.

Now here I stand alone. Oh yes I still have loved one’s and plans for the future. However they do not define me. I no longer cling to the ephemeral. Indeed I no longer cling to myself. I simply observe, accept and love all that is presented before me. To live in gratitude for all that washes up on my shore. My eyes see so clearly now and my heart is open to the future. Blessed for all that I am.

Transience and Timelessness

It’s strange that it is more often when I am alone that I feel less lonely. 

I am not being exposed to others physical, psychological and emotional energies which can send ripples through my limpid pool of self. 

I’m not expected to become involved in socially constructed scenarios that have no true purpose other than to superficially acknowledge the existence of another. 

I’m not susceptible to being overcome with the powerful feelings and needs of people around me. These, at times have led me to losing my sense of self and be drawn into their own dark night of the soul believing it to be mine also. 
Sitting quietly at home I bathe in sensual silence. 

As I look around, much of this life’s history surrounds me in the form of my pictures, photographs, music and books.

Each one carrying a distinct memory from the past. Of people and places, of related emotions too, both pleasant and not so pleasant. However, this menagerie of memories brings a feeling of peace and consolidates me in my humaness.
I draw comfort from my past and the lessons that I have learnt. From the realisation of the transient nature of reality as reflected in old photos of my family and places I have been. 

From times I had thought that I was at my lowest ebb, when all that I could see in the future was an infinite spiral of despair. 
It seems obvious to me now that our life, our existence is simply a process amongst processes, a wave in the ocean, a ripple in the sea of life.

Our human neurological processes however can fool us into thinking otherwise. 

Our minds often dwell and fret due to our subjective experience of life. We get caught up with our programmed neuroses, worrying about the bills, our financial and emotional security. Our valuable time on Earth being spent mentally and physically scurrying around with the delusional idea that we can somehow insulate ourselves against the threat of change. 
If we can find in our silent moments, either in some form of meditation or sometimes peaceful reflection we can find all the answers we need are within ourselves.

Although outwardly our individual paths may seem very different to each others, at the end of the day we are all gifted with the power to truly see.

The answer is inside of each and everyone of us. It’s not about chasing egoic ideas in the external world as if they were butterflies but about looking inwards on our experience and accepting it without judgement. 
I feel life is a glorious gift to be relished, however, we are after all human. This will undoubtedly entail suffering in some manner but an accurate perspective can often ease our transition. Our unique answer is already within us waiting to be born.

Alone…… ( Empath reflections part one)

Having purchased a beer from the bar he took a wander outside to the empty beer garden. Choosing a wooden bench which gave a view over the city street lights about a mile and a half away he sat down wearily. It was just getting to be dusk and the early evening air was becoming chill quite quickly. Rolling a cigarette from his pouch he reflected on various aspects of his life.
Especially how he appreciated his alone time.
One of the many downsides to bring an empath he had found was one could never quite shut out the noise of other peoples thoughts and emotions. When amongst others it was like a background of white noise often drowning out his own perceptions and clarity of thought. But now all that had stopped and his mind settled back into the luxurious still and quiet of the evening.
Yes, he thought, this whole empath thing is weird. It seems to only really be recognised by those whom have similar experiences and not widely accepted as being an actual trait.
He had never met another empath in the flesh with whom he could share his thoughts. He had found speaking to none empaths about it made them look at him incredulously and more often than not smile politely whilst they were thinking “okay fruit loop, you’re a nice guy but I need to either change the subject or make my excuses and leave”.
He had met a few people with empathic traits but they were usually to involved in their human egoic lives to be able to step out of the rational. One lady he has communicated with briefly was highly paranoid and guarded and was completely unable to discuss her experiences.

So here he was again, alone with his thoughts. Of course there are many upsides to being an empath. It gave one the ability to see and feel things with an exquisite depth seemingly unavailable to others. To be able to read most people literally like a book, few individuals had ever surprised him with their stories as he could feel it in their souls.
Therefore was also the paranormal stuff too. The small distant voices of others no longer of this realm, usually to be found in historic buildings / places. The occasional orb activity, the quick shadow movement of spirits in the vicinity, the hide and seek behaviour of spectral beings moving items around the house. That’s to name but a few.
But for now he would simply bathe his mind and soul in the calm silence and the cool evening air.

Living the Paradox……..

The subtle ochre and aureate shades of the Autumn leaves in the pale sunshine of fall,

The chill air of a new morning brushing against my exposed flesh, as if baptising my body ready for the day,

The tumultuos grey waves of the ocean as they throw themselves angrily at the granite cliffs,

The raging storm filling the sky with heavy leaden clouds, the flashes of steely lightening turning my surroundings into a monochromatic vista.

The look of tender and all consuming love on a mother’s face as she holds her newborn close,

The wide eyed, open vulnerability of the many sentient animals who look to us for protection and sustenance,

The gentle loving touch of a loved one in an hour of need,

The fierce fire of compassion in the hearts of those who fight for the vulnerable.

The beauty and eloquence of this life is there for all who have the eyes to see.

However many of us are not blind to the pain implicit in life’s journey.

It has been said that there can be little appreciation of life’s highs without having experiencing the lower aspects of existence.

The corporate greed often at the expense of the individual,

The ego driven, divisive rhetoric of those who would have us follow,

The angry, vitriolic voices driving human lives to war,

The homeless, the abused and the lonely.

Those of us who truly have an empathic / spiritually inclined disposition can find this polarity of life challenging and confusing,

How is it possible that all these things can co-exist when they all contain the same implicit ingredients?

The call to those of us who are to heal can overwhelming.

As much as we wish to bring a quick and enduring end to suffering, we have only recourse to our finite resources.

This is when we need to remind ourselves that many small acts of kindness can bring about change. Cumulatively it can create a shift.

We can see it happening now with the challenging of investment in climate damaging activities and with society’s renewed interest in spiritual practices like yoga and meditation.

The simple act of a warm smile to a passing stranger, a gesture of compassion to the homeless, a comforting touch to the bereaved or the simple giving of time to those who need to be heard.

All these can make life just that little more bearable for those in need.

It may even save a life.

Epiphany….

The rain thunders downwards, straight and forceful hitting the ground like machine gun fire. The leaden grey sky reflected in the heaving tumultuous waves of the ocean creating an almost monochrome vista. This ruinous chapel affording my dank body some slight shelter from the elements. Situated in an open field on a rocky promontory forming a cape, surrounded by the relentlessly roaring sea, blending perfectly with its environs. The drystone walls, mortared rubble and rounded boulders of which it is constructed taken from the very earth on which it was constructed.

Huddled alone and drenched against the granite corbelled walls, my mortal self feels strangely alone. It’s as if I was the only living being in this seemingly austere yet enigmatic world. The only ever witness to the rugged beauty of the landscape.
Yet a paradoxical sense avails also.
A sense of oneness with the Earth, of being a unified part of all that was, is and will ever be. I am but a microcosm reflected in the greater whole.
In this rugged stone panorama I perceive my bones.
In the moss and meadow see my flesh.
In the sea and the rivulets of rain I behold my blood.
A numinous peace settles around my war torn heart.
For now I know ( as I have always known, deep inside), that I and all that is, are eternal.

The Individuating Empath….

For those of us who feel that we have truly empathic ( energetically sensitive) nature, Carl Jung’s quote is particularly pertinent.
For our gift ( for despite its seeming burdens, is what it is) can prime us for spiritual and numinous experiences. Of course the downside can be seen as it can make one feel more isolated and misunderstood than others.
However, at the end of the day, the ability to feel and sense subtle energies can us a rich and bountiful life experience of which many could not begin to understand.
Also I personally have found that unless we take conscious control of our individuation process then we run the risk of losing ourselves and thus never reaching our potential. For as Jung states, the daemon within us will never quieten. For whatever avoidance tactics we employ such as intoxicating substances, affairs of the heart, work or reverie, the daemon will win out.

“The fact that a man who goes his own way ends in ruin means nothing … He must obey his own law, as if it were a daemon whispering to him of new and wonderful paths … There are not a few who are called awake by the summons of the voice, whereupon they are at once set apart from the others, feeling themselves confronted with a problem about which the others know nothing. In most cases it is impossible to explain to the others what has happened, for any understanding is walled off by impenetrable prejudices. “You are no different from anybody else,” they will chorus or, “there’s no such thing,” and even if there is such a thing, it is immediately branded as “morbid”…He is at once set apart and isolated, as he has resolved to obey the law that commands him from within. “His own law!” everybody will cry. But he knows better: it is the law…The only meaningful life is a life that strives for the individual realization — absolute and unconditional— of its own particular law … To the extent that a man is untrue to the law of his being … he has failed to realize his own life’s meaning”.

Carl Jung

Your Eyes………

Your eyes are, after all, the gateway to your soul.

All the past hurts, pain, joy and love you have experienced are their for those who can ” see ” to see.

You have battled for forty years, first to try and save yourself then to save close friends, family and children. To protect them, to feed them physically and emotionally.

Despite all the physical and emotional scars you have received over time , you have stood strong.

You have lived your life without religious belief or any crutch to keep your spirit aloft. Your religion has been simply of having a pure and compassionate heart. A natural, uncomplicated spirituality which resides in your human soul, untouched by the mind, one in which your actions have always reflected your innermost self.
The years have taken their toll, physically and emotionally. At this very moment you need a crumb of the love you have given to be returned. Your heart needs to feel warmth and gentleness of another, someone who can see you. Someone who recognises your strength and your suffering, who completely accepts you as you are.

In whose eyes reflect deep human compassion, compassion that will be eternal and unwavering.

An unspoken acknowledgement of ones truth, of being accepted unconditionally as a human being, in all their own raw vulnerability.

Once received, your mind and body visibly relax, you no longer have to pretend to be fine. All the energy utilised to maintain the facade of being able to cope is released.

You know that you will never be truly alone, that there will really be someone who cares and understands.

And if warmth and compassion can reside in one individual then it must reside in others.

That there is always hope. That despite how desperate the situation, if one looks hard enough, trust in humanity can be restored. It is never always going to be easy, but having made that human connection, there will always be hope.

On Growth, Transience and Love

( NB I wrote this awhile back when I was going through what I liken to a spiritual growth ‘spurt’. Fortunately I was able to make some changes but there is still more to come!) 😊❤️

As I meander through life some days, like this morning, my mind seems set on reflection.
There was a time when I believed in the permanence of things. That is, people, objects, beliefs and such like. But as I have grown older I have come to believe that all is indeed transient.
What served me in the past no longer does so. From career to relationships, many of those activities that I was happily involved in have now mainly become burdens which seek to follow me despite my wishes to start projects afresh.

I have no desire for personal wealth or possessions.
No inclination to pay lip service to individuals whose only interaction is based on purely reinforcement of the ego.
Neither do I feel that I have time to waste within my precious time on this Earth fitting into society’s expectations of whom or what sort of person I should be.

Looking out from my window I see a vista that is very familiar to me. However I am aware there are also exquisite, minute changes happening every second that I observe. The tinted golden leaves and heavy branches moving majestically in the stiffening chill Autumn breeze.
For all of life is in flux, there are no solid consistent particles that build the world around us. That is the optical delusion caused by our coarse senses and proffered by the society within which I was born.

As to the future?
To spend the remainder of my life in love and intimacy.
Investing time with those precious individuals to whom life is also sacred. Those who are aware of the innate divinity of the world and universe around us. Those human souls who are still strong and wise enough to wear their hearts on their sleeves.
To further develop an intimacy and love of Nature.
In watching the ethereal and eternal sunrises and sunsets.
In sensual awareness of the subtle change of seasons. Amongst the flora and fauna of this exquisite tapestry of life with which I am greeted in every moment.
Being where the the stormy, tumultuous, steely waves meet the rocky shore. To have one’s breath whisked away by the high gusts of winds blasting over me. Showered in sea spray bringing with it that salty, musty aroma that only the ocean can muster.

And for me to become truly whom I was meant to be. It may be that crazy eyed, dishevelled eccentric guy who sits quietly outside cafe’s busily writing down his thoughts.
It may be the man in simple clothes who sits atop of hills or in valleys simply watching, silently. Or the one whom sits in his study, surrounded by a multitude of books and articles. Spending his days browsing through the volumes content with his space, along with the somehow comforting smell that accompanies grey and discoloured pages of the old manuscripts.