Starting Over…….

I have seared my soul in the torrid flames of passion. I have had my heart ripped out of my chest through loss. I have trembled in fear at the feet of an unpredictable future. I have cried sea’s of tears from the ravages of my past.

So many invisible scars running right through to my core. Through all of life’s pain, I regret nothing. The enthralling highs and the pitch black, all consuming lows. For I have learnt so much from my journey. The fleetingness of our passage through life. The transience of relationships and situations which organically move forward to chapters new. The impermanence of pain and joy, those precious jewels in time forever to remain in memory.

Now here I stand alone. Oh yes I still have loved one’s and plans for the future. However they do not define me. I no longer cling to the ephemeral. Indeed I no longer cling to myself. I simply observe, accept and love all that is presented before me. To live in gratitude for all that washes up on my shore. My eyes see so clearly now and my heart is open to the future. Blessed for all that I am.

Love Actually…

Sitting outside on my porch gazing at the small pinpricks of starlight piercing the clear black velvet of the night sky.. The chill evening breeze gently brushes against my skin, light chirruping of birdsong reaches my ears and the cool, musty aroma of the evening air infiltrates my sense of smell. The pure, sensual beauty of the moment triggers bittersweet memories of similar feelings previously experienced in my life. Of when we first met.

Our eyes subtly, ever so delicately touched. With that brief, miniscule action my heart and spirit were given flight. My body and soul became aflame with a deep incandescent love for you.
Your very presence lightened my heart and quenched my previously unrequited thirst for emotional and intellectual intimacy.

All of my senses became excruciatingly heightened as if to ensure that I did not miss any aspect of your divine presence.
I bathed in your gaze and through your eyes I was drawn into your very soul. Any self control I had, withered away as I responded to your every word and gesture.
To others it may have appeared to be an intimate friendship but together we were as one, intrinsically in synchrony in our interactions.

The content and context of our verbal and non verbal responses were immaterial, they simply served the purpose of allowing us to subtly and sensually mingle our individual energies. Consummating our union with every word, touch and exchange of eye contact.

Our sharing of similar appreciations of beauty, humour and the intricate complexities of life itself.
We interacted in a joyous, almost childlike manner. No ego’s, pretences or barrier’s between us, you and I were lost to the world of mortals. We were in our private heaven.
Any sense of time was lost as this was beyond physicality, this was the realm of the eternal soul. There was neither any beginning or end, only that moment for eternity.We met many times after that, each meeting always exquisite in its depth and liberating in its intensity. But extraneous circumstances moved us apart and our time together diminished until ‘we’ are now just a shared memory.
Now it is unlikely I will ever know if what we had was meant to last and be something more enduring.
I look upon those times in the not so distant past with warmth and appreciation for those so special moments.
Perhaps this is how it is meant to be.
After all some of the most beautiful and wondrous things in life are transient.
Transient, possibly because those unique set of circumstances that lead to the blooming and eventual blossoming of that particular numinous experience could not be sustained.
Like the peak of a storm.
Like an Autumn sunset.

Love Actually….

Sitting outside on my porch gazing at the small pinpricks of starlight piercing the clear black velvet of the night sky.. The chill evening breeze gently brushes against my skin, light chirruping of birdsong reaches my ears and the cool, musty aroma of the evening air infiltrates my sense of smell. The pure, sensual beauty of the moment triggers bittersweet memories of similar feelings previously experienced in my life. Of when we first met.

Our eyes subtly, ever so delicately touched. With that brief, miniscule action my heart and spirit were given flight. My body and soul became aflame with a deep incandescent love for you.
Your very presence lightened my heart and quenched my previously unrequited thirst for emotional and intellectual intimacy.

All of my senses became excruciatingly heightened as if to ensure that I did not miss any aspect of your divine presence.
I bathed in your gaze and through your eyes I was drawn into your very soul. Any self control I had, withered away as I responded to your every word and gesture.
To others it may have appeared to be an intimate friendship but together we were as one, intrinsically in synchrony in our interactions.

The content and context of our verbal and non verbal responses were immaterial, they simply served the purpose of allowing us to subtly and sensually mingle our individual energies. Consummating our union with every word, touch and exchange of eye contact.

Our sharing of similar appreciations of beauty, humour and the intricate complexities of life itself.
We interacted in a joyous, almost childlike manner. No ego’s, pretences or barrier’s between us, you and I were lost to the world of mortals. We were in our private heaven.
Any sense of time was lost as this was beyond physicality, this was the realm of the eternal soul. There was neither any beginning or end, only that moment for eternity.We met many times after that, each meeting always exquisite in its depth and liberating in its intensity. But extraneous circumstances moved us apart and our time together diminished until ‘we’ are now just a shared memory.
Now it is unlikely I will ever know if what we had was meant to last and be something more enduring.
I look upon those times in the not so distant past with warmth and appreciation for those so special moments.
Perhaps this is how it is meant to be.
After all some of the most beautiful and wondrous things in life are transient.
Transient, possibly because those unique set of circumstances that lead to the blooming and eventual blossoming of that particular numinous experience could not be sustained.
Like the peak of a storm.
Like an Autumn sunset.

Living the Paradox……..

The subtle ochre and aureate shades of the Autumn leaves in the pale sunshine of fall,

The chill air of a new morning brushing against my exposed flesh, as if baptising my body ready for the day,

The tumultuos grey waves of the ocean as they throw themselves angrily at the granite cliffs,

The raging storm filling the sky with heavy leaden clouds, the flashes of steely lightening turning my surroundings into a monochromatic vista.

The look of tender and all consuming love on a mother’s face as she holds her newborn close,

The wide eyed, open vulnerability of the many sentient animals who look to us for protection and sustenance,

The gentle loving touch of a loved one in an hour of need,

The fierce fire of compassion in the hearts of those who fight for the vulnerable.

The beauty and eloquence of this life is there for all who have the eyes to see.

However many of us are not blind to the pain implicit in life’s journey.

It has been said that there can be little appreciation of life’s highs without having experiencing the lower aspects of existence.

The corporate greed often at the expense of the individual,

The ego driven, divisive rhetoric of those who would have us follow,

The angry, vitriolic voices driving human lives to war,

The homeless, the abused and the lonely.

Those of us who truly have an empathic / spiritually inclined disposition can find this polarity of life challenging and confusing,

How is it possible that all these things can co-exist when they all contain the same implicit ingredients?

The call to those of us who are to heal can overwhelming.

As much as we wish to bring a quick and enduring end to suffering, we have only recourse to our finite resources.

This is when we need to remind ourselves that many small acts of kindness can bring about change. Cumulatively it can create a shift.

We can see it happening now with the challenging of investment in climate damaging activities and with society’s renewed interest in spiritual practices like yoga and meditation.

The simple act of a warm smile to a passing stranger, a gesture of compassion to the homeless, a comforting touch to the bereaved or the simple giving of time to those who need to be heard.

All these can make life just that little more bearable for those in need.

It may even save a life.

Love of an Empath

Sitting outside on my porch gazing at the small pinpricks of starlight piercing the clear black velvet of the night sky.. The chill evening breeze gently brushes against my skin, light chirruping of birdsong reaches my ears and the cool, musty aroma of the evening air infiltrates my sense of smell. The pure, sensual beauty of the moment triggers bittersweet memories of similar feelings previously experienced in my life. Of when we first met.

Our eyes subtly, ever so delicately touched. With that brief, miniscule action my heart and spirit were given flight. My body and soul became aflame with a deep incandescent love for you.
Your very presence lightened my heart and quenched my previously unrequited thirst for emotional and intellectual intimacy.

All of my senses became excruciatingly heightened as if to ensure that I did not miss any aspect of your divine presence.
I bathed in your gaze and through your eyes I was drawn into your very soul. Any self control I had, withered away as I responded to your every word and gesture.
To others it may have appeared to be an intimate friendship but together we were as one, intrinsically in synchrony in our interactions.

The content and context of our verbal and non verbal responses were immaterial, they simply served the purpose of allowing us to subtly and sensually mingle our individual energies. Consummating our union with every word, touch and exchange of eye contact.

Our sharing of similar appreciations of beauty, humour and the intricate complexities of life itself.
We interacted in a joyous, almost childlike manner. No ego’s, pretences or barrier’s between us, you and I were lost to the world of mortals. We were in our private heaven.
Any sense of time was lost as this was beyond physicality, this was the realm of the eternal soul. There was neither any beginning or end, only that moment for eternity.

We met many times after that, each meeting always exquisite in its depth and liberating in its intensity. But extraneous circumstances moved us apart and our time together diminished until ‘we’ are now just a shared memory.
Now it is unlikely I will ever know if what we had was meant to last and be something more enduring.
I look upon those times in the not so distant past with warmth and appreciation for those so special moments.
Perhaps this is how it is meant to be.
After all some of the most beautiful and wondrous things in life are transient.
Transient, possibly because those unique set of circumstances that lead to the blooming and eventual blossoming of that particular numinous experience could not be sustained.
Like the peak of a storm.
Like an Autumn sunset.

When Opposites Attract……….

During my youth I veritably skipped and danced through life. Full of optimism, convinced of my immortality, naive in the belief that whatever the world threw at me I had the energy and resources to overcome.
My relationships with the opposite sex were mostly brief, friendly and lovingly amicable as I tested the waters of adulthood. I was blissfully unaware of how complicated and detrimental however these could become.
I was also not aware of my empathic inclination. I assumed that everyone experienced the world as I did. That the almost painfully exquisite depths of my emotions and senses were shared by all.
Which is why I when we first met I took our mutual attraction at face value.
On reflection, it was a completely unconscious connection on both our parts. I had what seemed to be an inexhaustible supply of love and compassion, almost too much for my heart and soul to comfortably contain. I had a natural urge to lavish these feelings on those that were close to me.
I mistook your comparable intensity of emotions for me as love.
Despite my then belief, that the powerful, almost uncontrollable magnetic attraction between us was a sign of a truly symbiotic union. Ironically the opposite was true.

My depths of love was met with your paucity.
My compassion was met with self indulgence.
My emotional energy was met with a veritable vacuum which you needed me to fill.
My unconditionality was met with control.
That was the attraction.
I had so much to give and your need was endless .
Perversely, without knowing, your need provided an outlet for me to indulge and express my natural urge to divest my deep feelings. You were were an infinite canvas on which I could paint every faint tint or luxurious tone of my emotional self.
But all our resources are finite despite our assumptions.
Following the inevitable demise of our time together, I now understand our attraction.
Essentially I was the rescuer and you had the most need to be rescued. You needed rescuing from yourself, from the soul destroying ache of being alone and feeling unloved.
You had sought all your life to silence the pain left in you as a child but you could only ever manage temporary relief.
I fear the spectre of that loss of part of your life will haunt your life forever.
But I realise now that my sacrifices could never have been enough. If I had remained, I would have been guilty of my own emotional manslaughter.

On Growth, Transience and Love

( NB I wrote this awhile back when I was going through what I liken to a spiritual growth ‘spurt’. Fortunately I was able to make some changes but there is still more to come!) 😊❤️

As I meander through life some days, like this morning, my mind seems set on reflection.
There was a time when I believed in the permanence of things. That is, people, objects, beliefs and such like. But as I have grown older I have come to believe that all is indeed transient.
What served me in the past no longer does so. From career to relationships, many of those activities that I was happily involved in have now mainly become burdens which seek to follow me despite my wishes to start projects afresh.

I have no desire for personal wealth or possessions.
No inclination to pay lip service to individuals whose only interaction is based on purely reinforcement of the ego.
Neither do I feel that I have time to waste within my precious time on this Earth fitting into society’s expectations of whom or what sort of person I should be.

Looking out from my window I see a vista that is very familiar to me. However I am aware there are also exquisite, minute changes happening every second that I observe. The tinted golden leaves and heavy branches moving majestically in the stiffening chill Autumn breeze.
For all of life is in flux, there are no solid consistent particles that build the world around us. That is the optical delusion caused by our coarse senses and proffered by the society within which I was born.

As to the future?
To spend the remainder of my life in love and intimacy.
Investing time with those precious individuals to whom life is also sacred. Those who are aware of the innate divinity of the world and universe around us. Those human souls who are still strong and wise enough to wear their hearts on their sleeves.
To further develop an intimacy and love of Nature.
In watching the ethereal and eternal sunrises and sunsets.
In sensual awareness of the subtle change of seasons. Amongst the flora and fauna of this exquisite tapestry of life with which I am greeted in every moment.
Being where the the stormy, tumultuous, steely waves meet the rocky shore. To have one’s breath whisked away by the high gusts of winds blasting over me. Showered in sea spray bringing with it that salty, musty aroma that only the ocean can muster.

And for me to become truly whom I was meant to be. It may be that crazy eyed, dishevelled eccentric guy who sits quietly outside cafe’s busily writing down his thoughts.
It may be the man in simple clothes who sits atop of hills or in valleys simply watching, silently. Or the one whom sits in his study, surrounded by a multitude of books and articles. Spending his days browsing through the volumes content with his space, along with the somehow comforting smell that accompanies grey and discoloured pages of the old manuscripts.

Self Fostering

Many of us I know are well aware of how modern western society either by accident or design ( or a combination of the two ) undermines the individuals predisposition to authentic spiritual growth.
The influence of our peer groups and the inherent wish for us to be accepted by those around us can distract us from our natural, personal needs in terms of fulfilling our spiritual potential.
The proliferation of electronic gadgetry available that provide novel and immersive experiences in an easily attainable manner can provide us with a short term fix of stimuli. This however is at the expense of longer term goals which may require some degree of dedication and effort.
The seemingly endless narrative of businesses advertising their goods in order to boost your attractiveness to others, to make you more efficient, to improve your material life and even to ‘ make you more spiritual! ‘

I think this probably stands for most people the world over, but few are more aware of this disparity than those of us who are considered empathic and / or have had numinous spiritual experiences that do not align to society’s norms.
We know that we do not ‘ fit in ‘, we are aware that what most individuals seem to seek or enjoy are not truly shared by ourselves.
Everyday conversation with the majority seems largely inane, insubstantial and rather tasking. This often makes us seem aloof, preoccupied and disinterested but this is because we so often are unable to share our pertinent experiences as most would not come anywhere near to grasping what we aretrying to communicate.
We sense something deeper albeit sometimes difficult to ascertain what exactly. It may be from synchronicities, spontaneous insights, anomalous events or personal intuitive revelations about the world around us.

I personally am not a stranger to the above however I hadn’t realised how actually disengaged from my spiritual growth I had become. I always considered myself ( in human terms as opposed to advaitic ) as a reasonably grounded person when it comes to living life authentically.
The revelation came about when my family went on holiday leaving me to my own devices at home alone. Along with this I was forced to take time off work due a foot injury. Being actively engaged both mentally and physically in work and family activities ( on reflection ) probably occupied 90%ish of my waking hours.
Subsequently whereas most of my day was largely task orientated. it then became mostly self directed.
The first few days I kept myself busy by doing odd jobs around the house but soon I found myself with vast amounts of time to fill.
Now with the week is almost over I have discovered / rediscovered the following:
– That I do not ‘ need ‘ to fill my time with activity but that I can simply enjoy the subtly quiet sensuality of the moment
– Just how much of my time is actually taken up with the usual day to day chores leaving little space to mentally, physically and spiritually breathe
– The ongoing pressure that I put upon myself in order to complete tasks to alleviate the stresses of others
– How much the effect of being around others for long periods can easily derail important self care.

Obviously I am not suggesting that we all leave our families and relationships and go and live in a cave on a faraway island somewhere. But what I do suggest is that we take time to reflect on our lives and how we live them. And that we give due consideration to ourselves, otherwise we can easily become disenchanted and unfulfilled and our perfect, individuating souls become lost in the machinations of modern society.

Love of an Empath

Sitting outside on my porch gazing at the small pinpricks of starlight piercing the clear black velvet of the night sky.. The chill evening breeze gently brushes against my skin, light chirruping of birdsong reaches my ears and the cool, musty aroma of the evening air infiltrates my sense of smell. The pure, sensual beauty of the moment triggers bittersweet memories of similar feelings previously experienced in my life. Of when we first met.

Our eyes subtly, ever so delicately touched. With that brief, miniscule action my heart and spirit were given flight. My body and soul became aflame with a deep incandescent love for you.
Your very presence lightened my heart and quenched my previously unrequited thirst for emotional and intellectual intimacy.

All of my senses became excruciatingly heightened as if to ensure that I did not miss any aspect of your divine presence.
I bathed in your gaze and through your eyes I was drawn into your very soul. Any self control I had, withered away as I responded to your every word and gesture.
To others it may have appeared to be an intimate friendship but together we were as one, intrinsically in synchrony in our interactions.

The content and context of our verbal and non verbal responses were immaterial, they simply served the purpose of allowing us to subtly and sensually mingle our individual energies. Consummating our union with every word, touch and exchange of eye contact.

Our sharing of similar appreciations of beauty, humour and the intricate complexities of life itself.
We interacted in a joyous, almost childlike manner. No ego’s, pretences or barrier’s between us, you and I were lost to the world of mortals. We were in our private heaven.
Any sense of time was lost as this was beyond physicality, this was the realm of the eternal soul. There was neither any beginning or end, only that moment for eternity.

We met many times after that, each meeting always exquisite in its depth and liberating in its intensity. But extraneous circumstances moved us apart and our time together diminished until ‘we’ are now just a shared memory.
Now it is unlikely I will ever know if what we had was meant to last and be something more enduring.
I look upon those times in the not so distant past with warmth and appreciation for those so special moments.
Perhaps this is how it is meant to be.
After all some of the most beautiful and wondrous things in life are transient.
Transient, possibly because those unique set of circumstances that lead to the blooming and eventual blossoming of that particular numinous experience could not be sustained.
Like the peak of a storm.
Like an Autumn sunset.

A Letter to the Wounded

For most of us there will times in our lives that are difficult or hurtful in some way. 

We may, for instance, have lost a loved one, be diagnosed with a serious illness, be painfully lonely and lost. 

Our reactions to these events will to some extent be dependent on our individual strengths and resources. 

Many people will become somewhat depressed / anxious due to the radical change in their circumstances. It is not unusual to have this adjustment reaction. 

However, for many it can be severe and prolonged causing intense emotional pain and giving rise to physical and psychological symptoms. 

We can become trapped in our own mental prison, in a constant cycle of negative and self depreciative thoughts which self perpetuate. 

This mindset can colour all that we perceive around us. 

We can feel helpless, weak and vulnerable to any intrusion from the outside world which is why many hide themselves away, both physically and emotionally. 

The future may seem bleak and intimidating , the present moment may be filled with fear and dread.

At our lowest ebb, it seems life becomes a living, dark nightmare from which escape is impossible. 

We lose perspective and forget what life can hold for us 
Did you forget the radiant sunrise at the dawn of the day? 

Did you forget the gleeful looks of your loved ones when you entered the room?

Did you forget the powerful roar of ocean waves as they are thrown ashore? 

Did you forget Nature’s seasonal masterpieces?

The crystal like frost of Winter, 

The gentle awakening and resurrection of the flora and fauna in Springtime. 

The warm Summer sun giving rise to the fruition of Gaia herself as she manifests at her zenith.

The subtle encroachment of Autumn as the leaves colours become almost iridescent and the cool, damp chill of the morning air.
No matter how wounded we are we can still experience the wonders of our world. 

We can still get excited about an impending celebration. 

We can still stare in awe at the Moon in the pitch black night sky. 

We can still cherish the love of other humans and animals.

We can still discover new and life changing experiences providing we are open to them.

By their very nature wounds heal. 

It may take time depending on the severity but it will. 

The deeper wounds may leave scars.

Scarred skin is more resilient and tougher than skin that has not been wounded.
So if you are sitting there in your darkest night of your soul, unable to see the way forward. 

Rest assured that if you have patience and give yourself the opportunity, this time will pass.

You will learn from this experience as your life begins to improve. 

For if ever it happens again, you will know that you can again triumph and win your life back.