In This Moment………….. 

I love to read by candlelight. 

As dusk falls outside, a chill breeze passes through the house. 

The candle flame flickers in response, instilling life to the dark shadows around me.

I take a moment to enjoy the serenity of  silence that only night time can bring.

The sensual, earthy aroma that accompanies early Autumn has filled my house, bringing with it a multitude of memories infused with bittersweet emotions. It feels as if there is no demarcation between inside or outside. Both worlds are incorporated into a seamless, unified reality of which I too are intimately connected. 
A deep tranquillity settles within my heart and soul. 

It seems that this very moment will last forever . When all worlds become one an eternal stillness is created within which any sense of duality is lost.
Through the open window I see the black velvet of the night sky peppered with small pinpricks of light. Moonlight highlights misshapen clouds as they scud silently across the horizon. Her silver phosphorescence cast upon the landscape as if to lovingly caress her nocturnal kith and kindred. 

I draw comfort from the sight, the same stars and constellations that were there at my birth and have been with me throughout my life. They continue to provide an exquisitely beautiful backdrop to so much of my life, both past and present. 
Out to the porch overlooking my ramshackle garden, my ears are met with the distant mewling of fox cubs. The occasional solitary hoot of an owl adds testament to the incoming night.

A single pipistrelle darts around the street lamp seeking to snare those insects drawn to its fluorescent light. 

A small field mouse scurries through the undergrowth, halting only to sense for any nearby predators that might be hidden amongst the shadows.
I remain as one with the Earth and with eternity. There has never been any separation between myself and the universe. For I feel that deep inside myself I have borne witness to this world since the beginning of time. 

It feels that all of my ancestral memories are within me. There is no physical recall of events, just a deep and soulful knowledge. 

There is no fear of the future for this has always been so and will be forever.

As One…………. 

I believe numinous and spiritual experience are ever present around us, it simply takes for our perception to be open to it. However most of us go though life largely unaware of the truly exquisite magical nature of our world around us. As empathic / spiritual individuals I feel we are more open to a kind of energetic intimacy which is vastly more profound and sensual.

It may be in form of a spectacular view,  a feeling of oneness with nature or some other occurrence that we intrinsically recognise as something ‘other’ than our more frequent day to day perception. 

And on rare occasions it appears it can be interpersonal :

I hardly know you but when I think of you or if I am graced enough to be in your presence something extraordinary happens to me.  My spirit is given flight, all my senses are heightened seemingly to ensure that in no way  I miss any aspect of your divine self. I bathe in your gaze and become lost deep in your eyes. Any self control I have, has withered away as I respond to your every word and gesture.

To others it would appear to be an intimate friendship but when we are together we are as one, intrinsically in synchronicity in our interaction. The content and context of our verbal and non verbal responses are immaterial, they simply serve the purpose of allowing us to subtly and with pure, intense sensuality mingle our individual energies. Consummating our union with every word, touch and exchange of eye contact. Any sense of time is lost as this is beyond physicality, this is the realm of the eternal soul. There is no beginning neither no end, only this moment for eternity.

Anyone watching would see I was lost to you, like prey willingly hypnotised by an enigmatic predator. As a sailor must have been drawn to his personal death by the seductive call of the mermaid, I too wish to answer my heart and souls call to be as one with you. Even if it meant that I was never to find myself again it would be  small loss to be a part of you, always.

The Story Thus Far…………….

My previous post was about an epiphany I had a few weeks ago now. I have had requests to elucidate what exactly I experienced, so here goes.
I generally sense that we all grow develop in different ways in terms of spirituality, that is to say that there is no generic right path. However if we are authentic in our approach to life we have the capacity to individuate and thus are more able to fulfill our own potential.
There have been many subjects and experiences historically that have resonated with me although at the time I was not sure as to why. A kind of intuitive nudge I suspect.
These in short have been :
– sense of oneness with Nature
– Neolithic and pre Neolithic history
– ancient sites
– quantum physics
– Taoism
– Buddhism
– aspects of Paganism ( pantheism and pantheism)
– animism
– the works of Carl Jung
– deep ecology
– Hinduism
These are to mention just a few. I have also experienced instances of Advaita and to some extent Kundalini.
I also am very empathic by nature and can sense feelings and energies in people, animals and places.
However until now I had been unable to unite them into a coherent understanding of my own individual vision of the world.
My current suspicions are as follows :
– in primitive early man there was a strong empathic connection with our planet and its flora and fauna
– in sensitive and empathic individuals today this is also the case. Part of our mind is not ours but is found outside in the object. That is to say that intuitively we feel the unity with existence, that we are part and parcel of the the world around us. Thus due to this kind of unconscious link we are able to feel the energies of others and places around us. We recognize that we potentially share the same soul
– this would explain why many spiritually empathic types feel that do not belong to this world as it is currently. Due to Western Societys propensity to subjugate Nature in many of her forms, to live among the general populations casual acceptance of this is uncomfortable to say the least
– some Animistic belief systems ( e. g. American Indian cultures) recognise the Divinity in Nature and treat the world around them accordingly. This tradition and its maintenance would continue to maintain that natural empathic link.

For many people in Western Cultures these feelings are now lost or irretrievable due to the generic dualistic and Cartesian mindset. Hence many people are concerned about the environmental impact it is having upon our planet.
I hope that I have explained myself coherently as it’s rather a tricky topic to write about, mainly because the essence of it all is not about thinking but feeling.
I’m now going to have a read of the Chandogya Upanishad.

Tat Tvam Asi

The Ghost in the Machine ( a paradoxical reflection) 

” Listen – are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ” – Mary Oliver. 
So, what happened? 

I understand the premise that the whole is more than the sum of parts however it gives little in the way of logical explanation. 

So a coal miner marries a factory worker who begat a son. Neither parent ( or any other relative) ever had an interest in the esoteric or spiritual. They were both very grounded in their day to day human existence. Conversation generally touched on the unremarkable topics of football, work, family members and associates. Therefore in terms of hereditary and environmental conditioning I should not be whom I am. 

Also it appears that the majority of society live similar lives to that of my parents. 

I seemingly cannot. 

I am consumed by an inner restlessness, a thirst for knowledge and understanding of the world about me. An eternal journey of inner and outer discovery, of questioning everything that I happen upon. 

Despite society’s pressure to live within recognised and largely acceptable themes, I cannot. 

Many of my feelings and ideas used to remain locked away in my head and my heart for the fear of rejection and ridicule of others. Some such were:

  – my ability to read people, their histories, their hearts desire and their hidden agendas

  – the barely tangible energies of places and people, linking past and future existences 

  – the experience of none duality, in the light of which the physical world dissolves into a dreamlike state

  – the daily synchronicities, of eels and Ouroboros, of Nataraja and quantum reality. 

 

So here I stand, watching the world go by in a neverending stream of apparently meaningless activity. Very few seemingly stopping to question what they are doing or why. Most comfortably coccooned in their experience of mortal existence, of living within the confines a predetermined, linear and purely reactive life. 

So, back to my original question. 

What happened? 

Am I cursed? Gifted? Possessed? Individuating? 

A man’s knowledge is always going to be finite in the grand scheme of things, sometimes one has to accept that there are no simple answers. 

Personally I go with gifted and individuating . 

The immense depth and painful beauty of my experience of the world though at times a little overwhelming, is something that I cherish and would never relinquish. 
  – 

  –

My Cheatin’ Heart 

I know by now not to go by first impressions. 

My hearts compass however has frequently directed my attention unconsciously to the presence of another. 

It can only take the briefest of eye contact and a fierce flame of attraction erupts within me.

In that simple glance I know you. 

You are :

– Hiding deep emotional scars wrought on you in your youth

 – Desperately in need of closeness and an unequivocal love

 – A raging passion for becoming physically and emotionally lost in the soul of another 

 – Seeking someone with whom to  live your life so intensely that all that will remain in the end are intermingled embers and ashes of two souls. One indistinguishable from another. 
Your wounds are deep and irrevocable. 

You seek to soothe them in the balm of another’s unconditional love, no more, no less.

That love will ease the pain and the feelings of emptiness within you.

But I know the cost.

I would myself become lost within you.

I would truly feel and share your emotional burden.

I would give my all to vanquish any past, present and future sorrows. 

I would be your knight in immaculate armour. 
But I know that I would be paying the ultimate sacrifice of losing my heart and soul. 

And for all that I am, I could never truly heal your past hurts. 
Yet I see within you an incandescent beauty.

A youthfulness retained.

An energetic vibrancy for life.

An ocean of love with which to impart.

A single mindedness and uniqueness found rarely in another. 
I can still love you but you can never know.

Our Life……………. A Factitious Autobiography? 

Sitting quietly on the porch gazing upwards, I watch the gossamer like clouds flit across the sky. Constantly changing forms, merging and breaking apart from each other in a dance of perpetual motion.

I am silently and unobtrusively aware of my mindstate. Thoughts and images drift by, each vying for my attention. Each trying in its own way to remove my sense of passive subtle awareness and entangle me in some form of concrete action. 

Fortunately I am well aware of the minds ability to fill my day with distractions, I therefore simply allow myself to witness my minds internal activity. 
However, I have often noted that my senses and psyche act as a constant lens in which to incorporate and interpret my  subjective human experience.

This frequently seems to have led to my ego having created a seemingly objective storyline to my life. A storyline with which I am tempted to identify with completely. It sits far more comfortably with my mortal self than to surrender to my underlying sense and knowledge of non duality. 
As I reflect on the past month , I am presented with the following egoic, corporeal chronicle .
A battle worn knight finally taking a moment to rest from repeated and relentless skirmishes necessary to maintain a degree of equilibrium in life.

The two battlefields of home and work aligned side by side as if to prevent any respite as I go from one to the other.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I fall into an involuntary but welcome relaxed and meditative state. 
I have fought :

– Corporate deities who have sought to undermine any financial security I can muster. 

– Those who have also sought to encourage organisational priorities over human welfare. 

– Against politicians who seek to further impoverish the poor, disabled and elderly. 

– To tackle and disarm individuals who had insisted that a persons unique and personal experience as invalid. 

– To temporarily thwarted the ravages of psychosis in those who would succumb.
Then there are those more subtle, insidious adversaries who are much closer to home. The barely tangible voices whispering covertly to my soul.

Encouraging me to lie and deceive others to my own advantage. 

Suggesting that I use whatever skills I have in order to promote myself above my peer group. 

Ushering me to ‘ give up ‘ battling and resign myself to fate.

Inviting wrath, greed, lust and gluttony into my life in order for me to expend my energies in self pleasuring but inevitably self defeating activities. 
I understand unequivocally that as long as I am alive and in human form the battles will continue. 

But one day I will again reflect on my recent past to find a completely different tale has been told.

My life’s history laid down in my memory, like chapters in a book.
The key to my ongoing survival is being of the knowledge that I am truly not that which my mind suggests I am.

Of not falling into the delusion of self-hood.

An Enchanted Life 

A life for an energetically sensitive individual is unique. Once we come to understand ourselves and the world around us, it can imbue in us a natural spirituality. A spirituality that requires no adherence to any particular path.

Of course some of us will lean more to some religious / spiritual path depending on our upbringing, our life experience or because of a simple heartfelt resonance with a particular ethos. 

I myself find resonance with aspects of Taoism, Pantheism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca and Shamanism. 

Psychologically and philosophically I resonate with Carl Jung, Neitsche, Schopenhauer, Fritjof Capra and quantum physics. 
Having a degree of energetic sensitivity can, quite simply give us the ability to see and feel the magic in life. To be able to sense certain things that are largely outside the perception of many others.

  – Standing on the cliffs above the storm racked ocean, watching the relentless waves crashing on the rocks as they have done for eternity. The wind whisking away my breath as it blows fiercely around me. Although I am only a small part of all that is, I feel as if I have been and always will be united at my core to Nature. I am partly of the sea and the sea is inextricably part of me, as is all of existence. 

  – The Sun setting over the horizon, the sky emblazoned with iridescent hues of gold, amber and vermillion. Casting scarlet shadows over the landscape as the remains of the day are seemingly burnt away in one last funereal fire. 

  – The secret, hidden groves within the forests and the woods. Where the trees seem to have always stood sentinel, guarding the covert magic of Gaia. Those places that I know intuitively were home to earth spirits before the birth of Man. I can sense the almost invisible specks of light as they would dance around amongst the trees and foliage gleefully carrying out their individual tasks for Mother Nature. 

  – The chance meeting with someone whom I have always felt a indefinable but irresistible attraction to. Their very presence altering my energy levels, feelings of an almost dizzying excitement and heightened awareness wash over me unbidden. 

I am aware of their every movement and every slight intonation in their soft voice. I can see that they are speaking but I hear no words. 

We sit, responding in a perfectly effortless, synchronatic, almost unconscious manner. It’s as if a warm, invisible but impenetrable cloak of love surrounds us.

When our eyes meet briefly or our fingers brush tentatively against each others, my heart seems to stop and I miss a breath. It is as if I am standing above a yawning cavern of love into which I feel I must plunge and we may be as one forever. 
These moments I cherish as they have given a depth to my life I would never have known in such a beautifully graphic intensity.

When Opposites Attract 

During my youth I veritably skipped and danced through life. Full of optimism, convinced of my immortality, naive in the belief that whatever the world threw at me I had the energy and resources to overcome. 

My relationships with the opposite sex were mostly brief, friendly and lovingly amicable as I tested the waters of adulthood. I was blissfully unaware of how complicated and detrimental however these could become. 

I was also not aware of my empathic inclination. I assumed that everyone experienced the world as I did. That the almost painfully exquisite depths of my  emotions and senses were shared by all. 

Which is why I when we first met I took our mutual attraction at face value. 

On reflection, it was a completely unconscious connection on both our parts. I had what seemed to be an inexhaustible supply of love and compassion, almost too much for my heart and soul to comfortably contain. I had a natural urge to lavish these feelings on those that were close to me. 

I mistook your comparable intensity of emotions for me as love. 

Despite my then belief,  that the powerful, almost uncontrollable magnetic attraction between us was a sign of a truly symbiotic union. Ironically the opposite was true. 
My depths of love was met with your paucity. 

My compassion was met with self indulgence. 

My emotional energy was met with a veritable vacuum which you needed me to fill. 

My unconditionality was met with control. 

That was the attraction. 

I had so much to give and your need was endless . 

Perversely, without knowing, your need provided an outlet for me to indulge and express my natural urge to divest my deep feelings. You were were an infinite canvas on which I could paint every faint tint or luxurious tone of my emotional self. 

But all our resources are finite despite our assumptions. 

Following the inevitable demise of our time together, I now understand our attraction. 

Essentially I was the rescuer and you had the most need to be rescued. You needed rescuing from yourself, from the soul destroying ache of being alone and feeling unloved. 

You had sought all your life to silence the pain left in you as a child but you could only ever manage temporary relief.

I fear the spectre of that loss of part of your life will haunt your life forever. 

But I realise now that my sacrifices could never have been enough. If I had remained, I would have been guilty of my own emotional manslaughter.

In The End…….? 

I personally believe that people with ‘ empathic ‘  attributes have a predisposition to a raw spirituality by nature of our so called make up. The main theme in our relationship with the external and internal worlds is primarily those of love and compassion. This is our core, like it or not, this is who we are. Not the media paraded fickle love and compassion, not of the transient liaisons with partners, not of the political rhetoric voiced by diplomats in order to recruit our support and not of the saccharine sweetness of cinematic portrayal. 

This love and compassion is a fiery, never say die, heroic force within us. It’s something we cannot deny as it continues to drive us forward, forward into our world. The outside world is frequently a war zone of energies, individuals vying for their place in society, people projecting their beliefs and biases onto others in order to consolidate their perceived position of power. Yet we go on. 

Often we seem to stand alone on the battlefield of life, armed only with our individuated integrity and the knowledge in our heart and soul that our path is true. For we have no armour, armour would make us less susceptible to the suffering of others and thus undermine our ability to use our empathic energy to stand our ground and to save those whom we could. 
Whatever flag, banner or label we wish to identify with in life, whether we are Buddhist, Christian, Catholic , Muslim or whatsoever, being truly spiritual is having the essential ingredients of genuine love and compassion. For without these we are of little help to one another. 

I have spent many years looking after individuals who have suffered at the hands of mental and physical ill health, from the new born to the dying. These people often show in their times of despair our true vulnerability. No matter how they have lived, what they have personally done to ‘get by’, they and we are all seeking a loving and compassionate connection with others. One that is based on implicit acceptance and trust, one in which we can all fall into when needed and that we know will always be there. 
” I was young then. A student carer on one of my first placements on a psychogeriatric ward. I didn’t really know her, nor her me. But that really wasn’t in the equation in the slightest possible way. Dementia and cancer had worn away at her in these final months of her time. She was close to relinquishing her already tenacious grip on life. As I held her bony and wizened hand, I could feel how cold it had become as her heart was no longer strong enough to push her blood to her fingers. Her eyes beyond the yellowed cataracts still felt my presence even if she did not ‘ see me’. As she drew her final breath, I believe that I felt a kind of release from her, a final relinquishment of all that she had known. Now willing to embrace an uncertain future rather than holding on to an untenable and painful present. I also imagine that I felt a kind of soulful ‘ thank you’ as she passed away. As if it meant so much for someone to simply be there at her passing, that she wasn’t alone at this time. I have felt honoured and humbled to this day. “

Souls on the Sidewalk 

​Walking through town in a slightly raw empathic state today probably wasn’t a good idea. I seem ‘ super sensitive’ today, I only need to glance at someone to pick up their own individual emotional novella of life. I actively avoid eye contact as I know only too well that I may become infected by others affect. 

However, I still receive emotive impressions despite my attempts at avoiding them. 

 – The couple in the restaurant whose relationship continues only because the man constantly undermines her self esteem leaving her feeling worthless. She therefore does all she can to appease and impress him despite a long history of futility. 

 – The old guy at the bar in the baseball hat,  his eyes and deeply wrinkled face give voice to a life of loss as he slowly gets drunk in order to numb himself from the vestiges of past pain. 

 – A young man sitting outside of the cafe who is attempting to be the centre of attention in his group because of his personal insecurities and his need to increase his self esteem. 

 – The young couple on the bench beginning to fall in love, feelings of excitement mixed with anxiety at trying to ‘ get it right ‘. 

-The young mother with a young child in the park who chose an aggressive  male for a husband in her then young and naive belief he would protect her and keep her safe. Instead she lives her life in fear of previous love. She now makes brief, nervous eye contact with other males, perhaps in the hope of rescue. 

– The homeless, elderly man whose lifetime of alcoholism and self neglect have seemingly washed him of virtually any semblance of humanity. His mind and body crave one thing only, any observable behaviour is solely in pursuit of obtaining his crux. However it is no longer his crux, it is his only reason for living. 

– Finally, the apparently young girl in her twenties in a floral dress. First impressions are that of a vivacious, friendly individual  enjoying her youth with friends. Without looking into her eyes I know that behind them, well hidden so as no one would ever know, is a soul cut adrift. Probably at a young age she had her heart broke, her implicit trust in her family and home devastated by the action of another. Since then she has survived on the emotional crumbs from others. Any attention is greeted with open arms as it is better to have one’s existence acknowledged than to potentially never, ever be noticed and subsequently lost forever in the world. 

Walking back home through the park I cannot help but reflect on life as I watch the butterflies seemingly chase each other amongst the bushes and squirrels excitedly scampering above in the tree branches. I suppose life always has been and always will be a bittersweet experience for many and I surely count my blessings as often as I can remember. If only I could easily leave the suffering of others to themselves without the tremendous urge to relieve their pain, be their crutch and to offer the hand of hope. I understand after many years of rescuing, it is not feasibly possible to save everyone and I have to set my boundaries. However it never really stops the deep compassion that can well up unbidden within me.