I Belong to the Night……

I stand upright staring at the Moon, thronged by millions of miniscule stars scattered amongst the deep, dark blue velvet of the night sky. A cool earthy breeze runs its fingers through my hair and caresses my bare skin. The cool dampness of the grass beneath my feet and the aroma of freshly rain soaked soil filling my lungs. All combine to return me to my mythic past, to a time when I knew myself only as an animal amongst other animals. Where my lair was made from Nature herself, where when I slept, I did so close to the Earth. As one with the world, there was no you or I, no out there or in here, no divisive thought to extricate me from being part of all that exists. 

 I stand, enveloped in the darkness,  my pupils dilated, my ears able perceive the slightest sound, the conscious awareness of the tension in my muscles and tendons. My pounding heart fuelled by adrenaline causing blood to rush through my body giving rise to my senses becoming increasingly heightened by the raw sensuality of the night. 

I ran. I ran because I could no longer quietly contain my sense of vitality and vigor. I ran to celebrate the joy of being, of being gifted with a worldly paradise of neverending beauty, of being allowed to partake of a life which has made me humble yet omnipotent. 

The branches and foliage seemingly claw my skin as I race through the woods serving only to intensify and sharpen my senses to an almost unbearable degree. In my mind I am running with the pack, feeding off the energy of exhilaration as I crash through the undergrowth ,my feet preturnaturally able to find purchase amongst the leaves and bushes. 

I sense the presence of blood on my lips where twigs have scored their mark, its metallic moist taste reminding me how the many channels of blood within me mirror the rivers in the land, how my flesh and bone had been given birth to by the elements of the Earth. 

Finally I collapse to the ground in a small clearing , my muscles pleasantly aching from the exertion, my heartbeat slowing to a dull pulse, my breathing steadying to a more restful rhythm. My exhilaration spent, I curl up on my side, moonlight glancing across my chest, I settle to rest in the warm and ever present bosom of Mother Nature.

Two Worlds………..?

I awoke this morning to yet again become aware that I am still the person who I was yesterday with roughly the same life. The same body, the same ruminating neuroses, the same seemingly obstructive physical self that I find my energies confined to.
It may only be me but I find this physical existence really laborious and limiting. That’s not to say I do not have wonder, love and excitement in my life, it’s just to say these feelings are channeled largely through my five senses which generally only relay to me the ‘ parts of the whole’.

I have spent time meditating and following my spiritual path as I see it and have been rewarded with numinous experiences which are near impossible to explain using everyday language.
I find that I straddle two worlds, one spiritually energetic and one enclosed and physical. I seem to oscillate between the two mostly,  grounding helps to stop me becoming completely disorientated and confused by my cognitive duality.
Waxing lyrical, it could possibly because I am as an energy not fully integrated into my body. Whether by accident or design I am aligned differently to many others who seem to go blindly through their lives with no thought for anything other than meeting their human needs.

Seemingly I have strong empathic tendencies and I suspect one gives rise to the other. It would also explain why I have never felt that I fit in with society and the ‘ human’ world. Perhaps there is part of my energetic self that recalls my oneness with nature and the Universe, the feelings of peace, love and completeness often feel a hairs breadth away. Just out of sight, beyond the veil created by my physical self.

Being an Empath, a Blessing and a Curse…..

Just for clarification, I only really write from my own experience as this is as close to any kind of reality I can describe. Everyone has a unique way of viewing the world, therefore my hope is that some of my experiences and thoughts resonate with others and possibly help them at some stage with negotiating their way along life’s often precarious and confusing path. 
I have been reflecting on my life prior to having discovered that I had empathic tendencies and have realised just how much chaos and confusion was as a result of my lack of understanding. I see many posts describing individuals situations to which I can all to easily relate. 
I dated a lady who was extremely emotionally unstable, she was quick to become overwhelmed with devastating negative feelings which all to easily transferred to me. I felt her despair, her nihilism, her ambivalence to life and death. In that ambivalence she had made herself free to act and not be concerned about the consequences. She was often in emotional and behavioral freefall, chaotically going from one disastrous and self damaging situation to another. Those feelings at that time I had felt to be mine also. I therefore acted in a similar manner, it was as if I was committing acts of deliberate self harm to myself and my life. Thankfully much time has passed but when I look back I feel that being empathic allowed me to experience these emotions in a way that has helped me understand others in a way that is unique. I truly do know what emotions and feelings certain people are experiencing and this has helped myself to assist others through difficult times in their life. 
Previous to becoming aware of my empathic side I also have felt great sorrow, great fury, great peace and great love to name a few emotions. At that time, as I had attributed those emotions to myself I fully experienced them, I lived them and was consumed by them. So although historically my life has been a complete emotionally supercharged mess, I have seemingly come out the other side with a wealth of compassion and understanding that otherwise I would not have had. 
For me the key to being more conscious of my empathic involvement with others has been meditation. Meditation has allowed me to simply observe my thoughts and emotions dispassionately making the much easier to monitor and control. Also through meditation, spiritual insights have occurred which have shown me that I am not an independently existing entity but that I am part of the vastness of the universe, a wave in the ocean of life and matter. Through these insights the ego diminishes and can be lost. This knowledge has turned being an empath from being a curse to a blessing. I have realised that my life isn’t necessarily about me, it’s about what I can to others in the hope of promoting love, compassion and understanding. However if we interpret our empathic / sensitive experiences on from an egoic and an “I” centered belief system, that is when it can be a curse.

Stranger in a Strange Land

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On reflection, there has not been a day in my life when I have felt that I truly belong in my current existence. I have strong empathic traits ( so much so that when I have been emotionally close to someone I have developed their physiological anomalies, for example my spine developed a slight curvature) and a strong sense of spirituality. These may be part of the reason as to why I feel this way. 

As I grew up I did all the usual ‘growing up as a human’ type things, from an hedonistic youth to marriage and a family as well as a career. 

Despite this I have always felt living a human life was rather an effort, that my life was somehow a kind of ‘job’ I had to do. 

This has historically led to feelings of being lost and directionless in life, as if I had somehow been installed into my body and marooned on Earth. 
Today as I sit on my porch drinking coffee and smoking the occasional cigarette, I find myself again reflecting on my past, present and future. Everyone seems to be committed to their human life, seemingly comfortable with their existence as they ( to me) carry on apparently unconsciously in their day to day activities dictated by previously laid out neural pathways. I admit at times I am quite jealous as I seem 

unable to succumb to what appears to be a blind acceptance of their lives and fate. 

Even my body annoys me! I think it is because being empathic I sense the subtle energies in the world that can communicate on a gentle, sensual level of spirit whereas my physical senses seem clumsy limiting by comparison. I feel very much like a spiritual energy trapped in human form. 
However I do not feel at all sorry for myself. In the end I believe I have been given the gift of a degree of consciousness which has led to spiritual and emotional growth. I have accepted that I am different and embrace it, the good and the bad. 

The message is to anyone out there who feels they do not belong or feel isolated due to being seemingly different in some way, try to embrace your uniqueness, remain as authentic as you can be. I sense the world may need us to be the ones with clear vision, of balance, to be a neutralising agent against humanity’s frequent emotional pathology, if there is to be any peace and compassion now or in the future, we may well be an important part in ensuring that. 

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As One………?

 

As a spiritually inclined empathic type of individual I at times am able to lose myself and seemingly energetically merge with my surroundings. No more so than when I amongst nature. However from an energetic perspective some places are far more powerful than others and these tend to be numinously charged. There are many places I have visited where I have been able to become absorbed into the quintessential unity of myself, the earth, the trees and the universe as a whole. When this happens, time too changes, the latent energies of humans and animals who have been here in the past entwine with my current energy to create a vibrant symphony of Oneness. My senses no longer individually feedback to me their unique perceptions, I become completely unified with all there is. Every rainstorm, every drought, every snowfall, every imprint of every moment here becomes as one with my memories.
Many of these sites are ancient places of worship, that is holy wells, stone circles and henges. The sensual power that individuals have left behind in their reverence and their alignment to nature and the Earth, their unique intimacy with the world and the cosmos is revealed to me and incorporated into my soul.

No wonder the hills and groves were God’s first temples, and the more they are cut down and hewn into cathedrals and churches, the farther off and dimmer seems the Lord himself. – John Muir.

Falling in Love……….?

I believe numinous and spiritual experience are ever present around us, it simply takes for our perception to be open to it. There are many documented ways to help to open us up to it including meditation and various drugs .However most of us go though life largely unaware of the truly exquisite magical nature of our world around us. As empaths I feel we are more open to a kind of energetic intimacy which is vastly more profound and sensual. It can literally consume one if we were to allow it.

Though, on occasions these experiences will impose themselves on us unbidden. It may be in form of a spectacular view ,a feeling of oneness with nature or some other occurrence that we intrinsically recognise as something ‘other’ than our more frequent day to day perception.

On rare occasions it appears it can be interpersonal :

“I hardly know you but when I think of you or if I am graced enough to be in your presence something extraordinary happens to me.
My spirit is given flight, all my senses are heightened seemingly to ensure that in no way  I miss any aspect of your divine self. I bathe in your gaze and become lost deep in your eyes. Any self control I have, has withered away as I respond to your every word and gesture. Anyone watching would see I was lost to you, like prey willingly hypnotised by an enigmatic predator. As a sailor must have been drawn to his personal death by the seductive call of the mermaid, I too wish to answer my heart and souls call to be as one with you. Even if it meant that I was never to find myself again it would be  small loss to be a part of you, always.”

Finding Our Way…………?

Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t need to follow me. You don’tneed to follow anybody! You’ve got to think for yourselves! You’re allindividuals!Crowd: [in unison] Yes! We’re all individuals!Brian: You’re all different!Crowd: [in unison] Yes, we are all different!Man in crowd: I’m not…Crowd: Shhh!

From  Monty Pythons  Life of Brian

I absolutely love this film, there is so much humour yet underlying truth in many of the scenes.
I have always been a strongly spiritual person, not by the influence of others but simply because it seems to be my natural state. All my spiritual understandings and insights come from my research into myself and the world around me. I have found strong correlations with some aspects of more conventional spirituality, that is Buddhism, Taoism, aspects of Paganism, Pantheism, Jungian psychology, Christianity, animosity and others too numerous to mention.
The point of this post being is that I truly believe we all have the innate ability to find our truth in our own individual way. Generally those who follow a spiritual path find out it is just that, a path. As one moves through life we come to learn many things and develop beliefs that if we are fortunate are challenged, this can then make us re-evaluate our perspective.
We need to be careful however of not getting ourselves hijacked along the way by groups and people who will push their beliefs onto us in order to justify and strengthen their beliefs. I see many social media groups who pertain to being spiritually supportive and use phrases like indigos, starseeds, lightworkers etc. Although I understand that many of the groups do mean well and many can and do help people spiritually no one should deny their own experience at the expense of being part of a group.
I feel it is important for us as humans to become who we individually are.  As Carl Jung had historically purported that we need to follow our own path towards individuation. This is how we can fulfill our potential and become what perhaps nature intended to be.
I have children and I choose not to share my beliefs with them as I do not want to taint their own experience. They are brought up with love, compassion and understanding. In many children it is so wonderful to see a true sense of love and spiritual identity with all that is around them.
On walking to school this morning, my seven year old son pointed at the sunlight shining through the foliage and the May blossom and said, ‘Dad, that is so beautiful it reminds me of love.

The Human Paradox

On a daily basis I find my mind and emotions wrestling with trying to resolve both local and distant crises for humanity, animals and nature generally. I am sensitive to others suffering and it is often difficult to persuade myself to let certain issues ‘go’.
However in stark contrast when I am in a more meditative frame of mind I see past all the pain and realise that from the human egoic perspective life has always been the same. It is only when we realise that it is the human mind that ‘creates’ these conflicts. Obviously this not to deny individuals pain and suffering and certainly not whilst living our human lives to not getting involved in fighting for justice and compassion as it is only action that can change the world for the better.
However we need to bear in mind if we are able, that our perspective is that of a vision of the world through the template and limitations of our central nervous system and is not a concrete depiction of reality.
Those moments when my mind is calm and clear ,when I am simply sitting  on the porch as the dusk settles, the sun setting, casting a fluorescent deep red hue across the horizon. I can hear the birdsong in the trees as the cool evening air brushes my skin and the stars emerge brightly through the deep blue of the sky. It reminds me deeply that actually the world and the universe are as perfectly at peace as it ever was, in complete harmony. The only disturbance being that which is the human mind which subjectively judges it’s experience.