” Listen – are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ” – Mary Oliver.
So, what happened?
I understand the premise that the whole is more than the sum of parts however it gives little in the way of logical explanation.
So a coal miner marries a factory worker who begat a son. Neither parent ( or any other relative) ever had an interest in the esoteric or spiritual. They were both very grounded in their day to day human existence. Conversation generally touched on the unremarkable topics of football, work, family members and associates. Therefore in terms of hereditary and environmental conditioning I should not be whom I am.
Also it appears that the majority of society live similar lives to that of my parents.
I seemingly cannot.
I am consumed by an inner restlessness, a thirst for knowledge and understanding of the world about me. An eternal journey of inner and outer discovery, of questioning everything that I happen upon.
Despite society’s pressure to live within recognised and largely acceptable themes, I cannot.
Many of my feelings and ideas used to remain locked away in my head and my heart for the fear of rejection and ridicule of others. Some such were:
– my ability to read people, their histories, their hearts desire and their hidden agendas
– the barely tangible energies of places and people, linking past and future existences
– the experience of none duality, in the light of which the physical world dissolves into a dreamlike state
– the daily synchronicities, of eels and Ouroboros, of Nataraja and quantum reality.
So here I stand, watching the world go by in a neverending stream of apparently meaningless activity. Very few seemingly stopping to question what they are doing or why. Most comfortably coccooned in their experience of mortal existence, of living within the confines a predetermined, linear and purely reactive life.
So, back to my original question.
Am I cursed? Gifted? Possessed? Individuating?
A man’s knowledge is always going to be finite in the grand scheme of things, sometimes one has to accept that there are no simple answers.
Personally I go with gifted and individuating .
The immense depth and painful beauty of my experience of the world though at times a little overwhelming, is something that I cherish and would never relinquish.