Starting Over…….

I have seared my soul in the torrid flames of passion. I have had my heart ripped out of my chest through loss. I have trembled in fear at the feet of an unpredictable future. I have cried sea’s of tears from the ravages of my past.

So many invisible scars running right through to my core. Through all of life’s pain, I regret nothing. The enthralling highs and the pitch black, all consuming lows. For I have learnt so much from my journey. The fleetingness of our passage through life. The transience of relationships and situations which organically move forward to chapters new. The impermanence of pain and joy, those precious jewels in time forever to remain in memory.

Now here I stand alone. Oh yes I still have loved one’s and plans for the future. However they do not define me. I no longer cling to the ephemeral. Indeed I no longer cling to myself. I simply observe, accept and love all that is presented before me. To live in gratitude for all that washes up on my shore. My eyes see so clearly now and my heart is open to the future. Blessed for all that I am.

Neither Kith nor Kin

It’s strange that in this day and age ( in my humble opinion ) there seems so few people with an inclination to the spiritual. I mean with the accessibility to social media and thus new ideas one would have thought more would have been attracted to the topic.

For myself I know of no one in my circles who have the vaguest interest or understanding outside of their everyday existence. I often feel it would be nice to share a mutual exploration of viewpoints with someone but other than via the Internet there is no one person with whom I can involve.

Perhaps though this is the lesson. After all it is frequently stated that the way to understanding is an inward journey. It would still have been nice though to share the journey. ❤️

When Opposites Attract……….

During my youth I veritably skipped and danced through life. Full of optimism, convinced of my immortality, naive in the belief that whatever the world threw at me I had the energy and resources to overcome.
My relationships with the opposite sex were mostly brief, friendly and lovingly amicable as I tested the waters of adulthood. I was blissfully unaware of how complicated and detrimental however these could become.
I was also not aware of my empathic inclination. I assumed that everyone experienced the world as I did. That the almost painfully exquisite depths of my emotions and senses were shared by all.
Which is why I when we first met I took our mutual attraction at face value.
On reflection, it was a completely unconscious connection on both our parts. I had what seemed to be an inexhaustible supply of love and compassion, almost too much for my heart and soul to comfortably contain. I had a natural urge to lavish these feelings on those that were close to me.
I mistook your comparable intensity of emotions for me as love.
Despite my then belief, that the powerful, almost uncontrollable magnetic attraction between us was a sign of a truly symbiotic union. Ironically the opposite was true.

My depths of love was met with your paucity.
My compassion was met with self indulgence.
My emotional energy was met with a veritable vacuum which you needed me to fill.
My unconditionality was met with control.
That was the attraction.
I had so much to give and your need was endless .
Perversely, without knowing, your need provided an outlet for me to indulge and express my natural urge to divest my deep feelings. You were were an infinite canvas on which I could paint every faint tint or luxurious tone of my emotional self.
But all our resources are finite despite our assumptions.
Following the inevitable demise of our time together, I now understand our attraction.
Essentially I was the rescuer and you had the most need to be rescued. You needed rescuing from yourself, from the soul destroying ache of being alone and feeling unloved.
You had sought all your life to silence the pain left in you as a child but you could only ever manage temporary relief.
I fear the spectre of that loss of part of your life will haunt your life forever.
But I realise now that my sacrifices could never have been enough. If I had remained, I would have been guilty of my own emotional manslaughter.

On The Couch………….

Having worked in the mental health field for many years I have had numerous conversations with various psychiatrists and psychologists around being empathic. Also about the role of numinous spiritual experiences in individuals.
The article that follows albeit a theoretical scenario is a fair precis of the my interactions with professionals both at work and in my own therapy, although a little ‘tongue in cheek’ at times.
I will refer to myself as Mr P and the health care professional as Mr T.

Mr T: “Hello Mr P, how can I help you today”?
Mr P: “Well it’s kind of complicated. It’s probably best if I give you a brief overview of my experiences to date.
Firstly I find myself to have strong empathic tendencies. I belong to a few empath groups in order to share our experiences as they seem to be somewhat unique amongst the general population.
Mr T: “Could you elaborate please”?
Mr P: “Of course. You see I have a high degree of energetic sensitivity. This means that I can pick up on subtle energy frequencies from people, places, objects etc. I may for instance feel another person’s emotional state, pick up on spiritual entities or sense inter dimensional activity. Previously before I knew that I was empathic I had great difficulty managing my emotional and mental health as I would unknowingly get ‘infected’ by someone’s emotional state and presume it was my own”.
Mr T: “Mmm, I see. Is there any other, how shall we say, special powers you may have”?
Mr P: “Just to clarify, I don’t particularly feel that I have special powers. I consider myself as just a little’different’.
I have had and still have strong spiritually numinous experiences.
These have taken the form of Kundalini / Advaitic or non duality episodes”.
Mr T: “Are they not aligned to the Hindu faith? But you are an English Caucasian”?
Mr P: ” Indeed they are. However they seem to be part of my spiritual growth. I am very much have the mindset of Carl Jung when it comes to individuation and personal spirituality”.
Mr T: “Are you aware that in psychiatry a belief that a person has which is not aligned to their culture or sub culture could be seen as delusional”?
Mr P: “Personally I believe that understanding to be over inclusive”.
Mr T: ” Mmm. So then, in what way do you find these personal traits problematic, if at all”?
Mr P: “Most of the larger problems came before I understood I was empathic as I stated previously.
I suppose the main problem, if you can call it that, is the feelings of isolation at times. It’s difficult on occasions to live in a society on a day to day basis that you don’t fit into.
For instance, I am frequently overawed by the beauty of Nature just by being in my garden. The verdant green of the lawn, shimmers of sunlight flickering through the trees casting animated shadows across borders. The small patch of daisies all leaning towards the sunlight seemingly in reference. It’s the frequent inability to share these sensual experiences leads the more human side of me to feel sad.
I suppose in essence there are two aspects to my personality. The more aware ,realistic spiritual side of myself and my more egoic part which wants to indulge the more human side of me”.
Mr T: ” Do you think that there may be two personalities within you?”
Mr P: “No, not at all. Just different aspects of my assumed whole”.
Mr T: ” Well Mr P, I feel that although you don’t seem to meet the exact criteria for most treatments,I can offer you a little something to help reduce these experiences then you may feel more ‘normal’. Some medication perhaps?”
Mr P: “Actually, no thank you. Our chat has actually helped somewhat in that I now appreciate even more than ever that I am extremely lucky to have such a sensitivity. I would rather live with it’s drawbacks than for anything to change.
Oh, by the way. Just a thought but do you think that you could prescribe medication for the many others who do not seem to appreciate the divinity of living a life on this Earth. I think that may help me more in the long term?”

A Letter to the Wounded

For most of us there will times in our lives that are difficult or hurtful in some way. 

We may, for instance, have lost a loved one, be diagnosed with a serious illness, be painfully lonely and lost. 

Our reactions to these events will to some extent be dependent on our individual strengths and resources. 

Many people will become somewhat depressed / anxious due to the radical change in their circumstances. It is not unusual to have this adjustment reaction. 

However, for many it can be severe and prolonged causing intense emotional pain and giving rise to physical and psychological symptoms. 

We can become trapped in our own mental prison, in a constant cycle of negative and self depreciative thoughts which self perpetuate. 

This mindset can colour all that we perceive around us. 

We can feel helpless, weak and vulnerable to any intrusion from the outside world which is why many hide themselves away, both physically and emotionally. 

The future may seem bleak and intimidating , the present moment may be filled with fear and dread.

At our lowest ebb, it seems life becomes a living, dark nightmare from which escape is impossible. 

We lose perspective and forget what life can hold for us 
Did you forget the radiant sunrise at the dawn of the day? 

Did you forget the gleeful looks of your loved ones when you entered the room?

Did you forget the powerful roar of ocean waves as they are thrown ashore? 

Did you forget Nature’s seasonal masterpieces?

The crystal like frost of Winter, 

The gentle awakening and resurrection of the flora and fauna in Springtime. 

The warm Summer sun giving rise to the fruition of Gaia herself as she manifests at her zenith.

The subtle encroachment of Autumn as the leaves colours become almost iridescent and the cool, damp chill of the morning air.
No matter how wounded we are we can still experience the wonders of our world. 

We can still get excited about an impending celebration. 

We can still stare in awe at the Moon in the pitch black night sky. 

We can still cherish the love of other humans and animals.

We can still discover new and life changing experiences providing we are open to them.

By their very nature wounds heal. 

It may take time depending on the severity but it will. 

The deeper wounds may leave scars.

Scarred skin is more resilient and tougher than skin that has not been wounded.
So if you are sitting there in your darkest night of your soul, unable to see the way forward. 

Rest assured that if you have patience and give yourself the opportunity, this time will pass.

You will learn from this experience as your life begins to improve. 

For if ever it happens again, you will know that you can again triumph and win your life back.

When Opposites Attract

During my youth I veritably skipped and danced through life. Full of optimism, convinced of my immortality, naive in the belief that whatever the world threw at me I had the energy and resources to overcome. 

My relationships with the opposite sex were mostly brief, friendly and lovingly amicable as I tested the waters of adulthood. I was blissfully unaware of how complicated and detrimental however these could become. 

I was also not aware of my empathic inclination. I assumed that everyone experienced the world as I did. That the almost painfully exquisite depths of my  emotions and senses were shared by all. 

Which is why I when we first met I took our mutual attraction at face value. 

On reflection, it was a completely unconscious connection on both our parts. I had what seemed to be an inexhaustible supply of love and compassion, almost too much for my heart and soul to comfortably contain. I had a natural urge to lavish these feelings on those that were close to me. 

I mistook your comparable intensity of emotions for me as love. 

Despite my then belief,  that the powerful, almost uncontrollable magnetic attraction between us was a sign of a truly symbiotic union. Ironically the opposite was true. 
My depths of love was met with your paucity. 

My compassion was met with self indulgence. 

My emotional energy was met with a veritable vacuum which you needed me to fill. 

My unconditionality was met with control. 

That was the attraction. 

I had so much to give and your need was endless . 

Perversely, without knowing, your need provided an outlet for me to indulge and express my natural urge to divest my deep feelings. You were were an infinite canvas on which I could paint every faint tint or luxurious tone of my emotional self. 

But all our resources are finite despite our assumptions. 

Following the inevitable demise of our time together, I now understand our attraction. 

Essentially I was the rescuer and you had the most need to be rescued. You needed rescuing from yourself, from the soul destroying ache of being alone and feeling unloved. 

You had sought all your life to silence the pain left in you as a child but you could only ever manage temporary relief.

I fear the spectre of that loss of part of your life will haunt your life forever. 

But I realise now that my sacrifices could never have been enough. If I had remained, I would have been guilty of my own emotional manslaughter.