The Ghost in the Machine ( a paradoxical reflection)

” Listen – are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ” – Mary Oliver. 
So, what happened? 

I understand the premise that the whole is more than the sum of parts however it gives little in the way of logical explanation. 

So a coal miner marries a factory worker who begat a son. Neither parent ( or any other relative) ever had an interest in the esoteric or spiritual. They were both very grounded in their day to day human existence. Conversation generally touched on the unremarkable topics of football, work, family members and associates. Therefore in terms of hereditary and environmental conditioning I should not be whom I am. 

Also it appears that the majority of society live similar lives to that of my parents. 

I seemingly cannot. 

I am consumed by an inner restlessness, a thirst for knowledge and understanding of the world about me. An eternal journey of inner and outer discovery, of questioning everything that I happen upon. 

Despite society’s pressure to live within recognised and largely acceptable themes, I cannot. 

Many of my feelings and ideas used to remain locked away in my head and my heart for the fear of rejection and ridicule of others. Some such were:

  – my ability to read people, their histories, their hearts desire and their hidden agendas

  – the barely tangible energies of places and people, linking past and future existences 

  – the experience of none duality, in the light of which the physical world dissolves into a dreamlike state

  – the daily synchronicities, of eels and Ouroboros, of Nataraja and quantum reality. 

 

So here I stand, watching the world go by in a neverending stream of apparently meaningless activity. Very few seemingly stopping to question what they are doing or why. Most comfortably coccooned in their experience of mortal existence, of living within the confines a predetermined, linear and purely reactive life. 

So, back to my original question. 

What happened? 

Am I cursed? Gifted? Possessed? Individuating? 

A man’s knowledge is always going to be finite in the grand scheme of things, sometimes one has to accept that there are no simple answers. 

Personally I go with gifted and individuating . 

The immense depth and painful beauty of my experience of the world though at times a little overwhelming, is something that I cherish and would never relinquish. 
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Where Worlds Meet

Where Worlds Meet 
Throughout the world there are many places where the meeting of the past, present, future and possibly other dimensions are felt more intensely. These are frequently sites of ancient origin which because of their numinosity are still reverred in some capacity to this day.

In the UK these consist of innumerable stone circles, henges, barrows, hillforts, ancient settlements, holy wells and many others too numerous to mention. 
Being somewhat energetically sensitive I am drawn to these places as they offer an extremely subtle yet tentative connection to other realms and times.

Many theories have been offered as to why these sites are perceived as ‘ special ‘. From leylines to having alignments to the Moon, Sun, stars or other features in the landscape. 

My personal viewpoint is that we, as modern humans with our largely Cartesian / rationalist culture find it nigh near impossible to empathise with our ancestors interpretation of their world. 

But if we are able to become more meditative and ‘ open ‘ then I believe glimpses can be felt or seen from an energetic perspective. 
The flint built walls of the ruined church stand starkly within the henge. Originally sited here to portray the imposition of the new religion upon the ancient beliefs of the indigenous populace. But the henge within which it was constructed had witnessed and was imbued with thousands of years of pagan supplication.
Sitting on a large cold, granite stone just below the medieval church’s tower I observed the dusk descend around me. The last deep amber rays of sunlight cast long shadows across the open landscape of fields, hedges and copses. A slight, ethereal mist hovered precariously over the grassland and the soft banks of the henge and barrow. As if to suggest the gentle rising of past spirits into the silence and security of the evening. Unseen and uninterrupted, they were again free to roam their home land as they once did. 

I could hear the distant hoofbeats of arriving horsemen from an ancient past.

I could hear the long gone church bells toll their last before Nature silenced them for eternity. 
It was as if time had stood still. 

Miniscule stars appeared overhead piercing the blackening velvet of the night sky. 

An overwhelming sense of stillness enveloped the area in and around the henge. 

The intensity of the silence penetrated my core. 

Every animal in the vicinity had seemingly held its breath as if in anticipation. 
My usual human senses no longer individually provided separate feedback from the outside world. 

My physical self had become as one with the world around me, no boundary remained.

There was no longer a separate ‘ I ‘. 

In that singular awareness of non duality, the entire unity of the universe and all therein was laid out in an infinite vision of interconnectedness. 
The deceitful human experience of time was lain to rest with the realisation that all that ever was, is or will be,were there and forever present. The grey veils that had divided the past from the future were simply an illusion.

This place is an organic sancta of Gaia. 

A site of reverence and revelation. Enabling her to impart esoteric knowledge in a way that is timeless and inaccessible from any other source.

Belerion, Cornovia.

I feel that I have arrived at last in the land of my ancestors. 

The moors, valleys, rocky tors and the eternal voice of the ocean in the background seemed to welcome me back to where my heart and soul truly belonged. 

The landscape wholly rendiscent of a past life I had lived. A life that still seems a hairs breadth away, that is so near to the surface of my consciousness that I could so easily become overwhelmed with reverie. 

Yet I had never before set foot on this land. 

A land woven with myth, magic and majesty intrinsic and inseparable from its landscape. 

A place of groves, stone circles, fogou’s, holy wells , castles, standing stones, ancient settlements and hillforts. Many untouched by man due to the uncompromising nature of its granite hewn soil. 

Though many have sought through research and study to understand the purposes and possible relationships of the myriad of archaeological sites, it remains enigmatic. 

However therein lies the answer. 

Man had a very different interpretation of the world around us in those ancient times. 

The cold, analytical thought patterns borne of the ‘Enlightenment’ and furthered even more by science were still thousands of years away in the future. 

Man was still inextricably connected to Nature. He never saw himself as apart from the world, he was at one with the Earth, skies and stars. A natural and organic reverence for the Universe was an implicit aspect of life. 

A land so old it still reflects the archetypes and legends of primeval man.

Of Gods and Goddesses, of mermaids and piskies. 

Of giants, lost civilisations and alleged visits by the Devil himself. 

One of the keys that may lend to an understanding of this land is clairsentience. 

The feeling of being a small part a unique jigsaw. 

Of fitting in seamlessly with one’s surroundings unlike nowhere I have known before. 

The gnarled granite hills, many crowned with rudimentary fortifications. 

The overgrown aisles of black thorn and hawthorn bushes hiding away groves of healing springs. 

The dark but somehow luminescent fogous, a chamber for intimate communion with Gaia herself.

Stone circles stand testament to the passage of time, still retaining a mystical essence of primeval magic rituals. 

The roar of the ocean as its tempestuous waves throw themselves in anguish against the rocky cliffs. 

Any type of human interpretation is destined to be flawed. 

This is a place to sensuously feel the raw energy of Nature, to become immersed in it. To feel the essential oneness of all creation.

My lungs full of air drawn from the same high breeze that billows around me.

My blood, sweat and tears formed from the same crashing waves thrown upon the beach.

My bones created from the very substance of the earth. 

The fire in my heart borne from the searing sunlight bathing my presence. 

All of my human and spiritual aspects of self are reflected here in the outside world. I do not need to search for meaning or inspiration for I am home. 

Where the pains and joys of birth, life and death are a divine, ethereal journey in themselves.

Our Life……………. A Factitious Autobiography?

Sitting quietly on the porch gazing upwards, I watch the gossamer like clouds flit across the sky. Constantly changing forms, merging and breaking apart from each other in a dance of perpetual motion.

I am silently and unobtrusively aware of my mindstate. Thoughts and images drift by, each vying for my attention. Each trying in its own way to remove my sense of passive subtle awareness and entangle me in some form of concrete action. 

Fortunately I am well aware of the minds ability to fill my day with distractions, I therefore simply allow myself to witness my minds internal activity. 
However, I have often noted that my senses and psyche act as a constant lens in which to incorporate and interpret my  subjective human experience.

This frequently seems to have led to my ego having created a seemingly objective storyline to my life. A storyline with which I am tempted to identify with completely. It sits far more comfortably with my mortal self than to surrender to my underlying sense and knowledge of non duality. 
As I reflect on the past month , I am presented with the following egoic, corporeal chronicle .
A battle worn knight finally taking a moment to rest from repeated and relentless skirmishes necessary to maintain a degree of equilibrium in life.

The two battlefields of home and work aligned side by side as if to prevent any respite as I go from one to the other.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I fall into an involuntary but welcome relaxed and meditative state. 
I have fought :

– Corporate deities who have sought to undermine any financial security I can muster. 

– Those who have also sought to encourage organisational priorities over human welfare. 

– Against politicians who seek to further impoverish the poor, disabled and elderly. 

– To tackle and disarm individuals who had insisted that a persons unique and personal experience as invalid. 

– To temporarily thwarted the ravages of psychosis in those who would succumb.
Then there are those more subtle, insidious adversaries who are much closer to home. The barely tangible voices whispering covertly to my soul.

Encouraging me to lie and deceive others to my own advantage. 

Suggesting that I use whatever skills I have in order to promote myself above my peer group. 

Ushering me to ‘ give up ‘ battling and resign myself to fate.

Inviting wrath, greed, lust and gluttony into my life in order for me to expend my energies in self pleasuring but inevitably self defeating activities. 
I understand unequivocally that as long as I am alive and in human form the battles will continue. 

But one day I will again reflect on my recent past to find a completely different tale has been told.

My life’s history laid down in my memory, like chapters in a book.
The key to my ongoing survival is being of the knowledge that I am truly not that which my mind suggests I am.

Of not falling into the delusion of self-hood.

An Enchanted Life

A life for an energetically sensitive individual is unique. Once we come to understand ourselves and the world around us, it can imbue in us a natural spirituality. A spirituality that requires no adherence to any particular path.

Of course some of us will lean more to some religious / spiritual path depending on our upbringing, our life experience or because of a simple heartfelt resonance with a particular ethos. 

I myself find resonance with aspects of Taoism, Pantheism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca and Shamanism. 

Psychologically and philosophically I resonate with Carl Jung, Neitsche, Schopenhauer, Fritjof Capra and quantum physics. 
Having a degree of energetic sensitivity can, quite simply give us the ability to see and feel the magic in life. To be able to sense certain things that are largely outside the perception of many others.

  – Standing on the cliffs above the storm racked ocean, watching the relentless waves crashing on the rocks as they have done for eternity. The wind whisking away my breath as it blows fiercely around me. Although I am only a small part of all that is, I feel as if I have been and always will be united at my core to Nature. I am partly of the sea and the sea is inextricably part of me, as is all of existence. 

  – The Sun setting over the horizon, the sky emblazoned with iridescent hues of gold, amber and vermillion. Casting scarlet shadows over the landscape as the remains of the day are seemingly burnt away in one last funereal fire. 

  – The secret, hidden groves within the forests and the woods. Where the trees seem to have always stood sentinel, guarding the covert magic of Gaia. Those places that I know intuitively were home to earth spirits before the birth of Man. I can sense the almost invisible specks of light as they would dance around amongst the trees and foliage gleefully carrying out their individual tasks for Mother Nature. 

  – The chance meeting with someone whom I have always felt a indefinable but irresistible attraction to. Their very presence altering my energy levels, feelings of an almost dizzying excitement and heightened awareness wash over me unbidden. 

I am aware of their every movement and every slight intonation in their soft voice. I can see that they are speaking but I hear no words. 

We sit, responding in a perfectly effortless, synchronatic, almost unconscious manner. It’s as if a warm, invisible but impenetrable cloak of love surrounds us.

When our eyes meet briefly or our fingers brush tentatively against each others, my heart seems to stop and I miss a breath. It is as if I am standing above a yawning cavern of love into which I feel I must plunge and we may be as one forever. 
These moments I cherish as they have given a depth to my life I would never have known in such a beautifully graphic intensity.

Spiritual Crisis……?

The following is, as ever only my take on a certain aspect of life. However I have seen many posts and have received messages to my blog as to what this subject. It has been a concern of mine for a long time that generally Western Society does not effectively support people who undergo spiritual experiences.
I will not try and differentiate between mental illness and spiritual growth as that is beyond my remit and extremely complex. However it is worth bearing in mind that profound spiritual experiences have been a regular occurrence for people since time in creation. 
One can only really speak of our individual experience with any true objectivity. Of course most of us agree on similar themes as our human senses incorporate our world in a non dissimilar manner.

However it seems to me that certain people ( be them described as empathic, HSP or simply sensitive) are able to sense certain energies outside of the perceived norm.
It seems it can take many guises e.g being able to feel other peoples or places energy, being able to communicate with spirits and the ability to heal energetically to name a but a few. 

Along with these differing perceptions often comes a strong sense of spirituality. An awareness that there is more to the world than meets the eye.
This ‘ sensitivity ‘ leads can often lead some of us to experience a spiritual emergence or transformation. 

This may be completely by accident,  as a result of spiritual practice or by taking mind altering substances. 
For instance, a spiritual emergency is described as a crisis often resulting in intense emotions, unusual thoughts and behaviors, and perceptual changes. This crisis often involves a spiritual component—such as experiences of death and rebirth, unity with the universe, and encounters with powerful beings. Such crises bring about the potential for profound psychological and spiritual change (Grof & Grof, 1989), but often appear to be similar to psychotic disorders.
As I myself found that if this occurs in one’s life, there is often no-one to turn to for support or guidance. Certainly trying to discuss it with friends and family was met with dismissal or avoidance ( understandably). 

After some research I found that my experiences were not at all uncommon, however were still treated as mumbo jumbo by the medical field at large. 
Fortunately there has been some progress in recent years in that there has become a growing awareness amongst some professionals. It is still a little sporadic but seems to be slowly gaining ground. 
Therefore to conclude, if anyone you know seems to be experiencing something similar, at least offer a listening ear and support as it can be a very scary place to be. 

There is a charity called Spiritual Crisis Network who can offer advice / support if necessary. 
Sorry for the more ‘ informative ‘ type post but I feel some may find it useful.

❤ 

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October

For me, October is the most energetically charged of months. It’s as if my mind, body and soul have come home to their original abode.

Sitting here on this ancient hilltop, my back leaning against one of the many gnarled yew trees that stand in groups around the site, I look out across the valley below.

A golden Autumnal dusk gradually cloaks the countryside around me, the cool chill of the evening air caresses my skin.

The pungent but aromatic smell of the cold damp earth permeating my lungs, taking me back to my childhood days of wonder and my natural immersion in Nature.

The gentle golden sunbeams shining softly through the small copses foliage, casting long shadows towards the summit of the hill.

A translucent mist rises from the river like a spectral memory of the mythical past. Reminding me of our race’s spiritual closeness to these rivulets of life, of offerings cast into their watery depths.

The leaves slowly changing hue, producing a deep yellow and vermillion backdrop of foliage, rich in colour and texture.
No other month seems to suggest so strongly the inherent cycles of Nature. The continuous movement of the seasons as the year winds down, from the yang of Spring and Summer to the yin of Autumn and Winter are exemplified by the sensual changes in climate and flora.

There seems a stronger spiritual link to the past at this time. Of forgotten memories of previous lives of my ancestors. Times of hardship, of storing food for the Winter, of having to fortify their houses and selves against the oncoming frost and snow.

Rituals are performed, acknowledging our integral relationship with Nature herself. To again become intimately aware of our dependence and oneness with all there is and ever was.
Returning from my reverie, I become aware that night is fast approaching. A distinct, almost physical coldness has arisen with the rising mist. As I return home, looking behind me I can see the encroaching darkness combining with the mist to create a crystal ball like visual portal to the past. I imagine that I can see the spectral souls of long dead citizens busying themselves with preparations for a forthcoming feast. It would be a night of flickering campfires, an almost tangible smell of roast meat fills the air, a chorus of excited, barely hushed voices emanate from the camp.

The often flimsy, gossamer margins between the past, present and future worlds dissipate further to produce moments of a unified sensuality of spirit, of complete oneness.
I leave them to continue to eternally re-enact their celebrations in peace.

Trespassing………

By way of explanation, I produce my written meanderings as a way of expressing my empathic, spiritual and ‘ sensitive’  interpretations of my experiences. I seem to pick up on various energies, mainly from people and places. I try largely not to interpret what presents itself but to offer it up as a raw, objective ( as far as is possible ) interpretation. Any comments and thoughts from others are valuable as they give a different credence to my understanding.

I suppose I simply hope to impart the magic of our world in all its bittersweetness.
Trespassing………?

As I struggle stumblingly through the thick foliage and dead wood on the ground in order to reach my destination, I already feel the atmosphere around me begin to change. The branches and twigs snagging on my clothes and scratching at my hands and face almost seem to deliberately attempt to impede my progress, as if to infer that passage to the stones was to be as inhospitable as possible. There was to be no welcome to this place at this time. It was if they were acting as  an organic deterrent to outsiders ensuring the sanctity and reverence of the site at this moment was not disturbed.

Entering the much overgrown copse where the large stones lay strewn, I could feel a sense of menace and reproach at my presence. The Autumnal sunlight was unable to penetrate the heavy and oppressive foliage seemingly forming a canopy over me to further keep the stones and whatever ceremony had been taking place from prying eyes.

The pungent smell of decaying flora seems to flood my lungs when I inhale, my breath forming small, wisp like clouds in the cold but somehow cloying air about me.

The seven or eight grey, lichen covered stones standing around five to six feet tall amongst the undergrowth had somehow seemed to almost become barely perceptible as if attempting to hide their presence in shame, in the hope that I would not discover their guilt at what practices they had borne witness to. The gritstone blocks which lay above the earth appeared as if they were large, barely identifiable faces of an ancient, ogre like race, twisted and contorted as they were made to behold dark and unspeakable acts committed in their presence.

A penetrating , icy chill took hold of my bones as if the the cold vestiges of the presence of Death had yet to dissipate. I could sense a hundred eyes watching me as I stood there, frozen with anxious apprehension. My expectation being that a malevolent force would at any moment suck out my soul and condemn my spirit to join others here for eternity.

It was as if all the warm, if somewhat shy, benevolent nature spirits that normally inhabitted the woods had been banished to be replaced with their shadow counterparts . From being a sanctum of love and reverence to Nature, the site was now an energetic antithesis of same. A place of conjuring of dark, primordial forces in the pursuit of power and influence in the physical world by the offering up of ceremonial spiritual sacrifices.

I quickly turned my back to the stones and hastily and rather clumsily made my way back to the road. Trying not to run ( as was my predilection) in order not to precipitate what I felt might become a chase I approached my car, fumbled with my keys, desperately trying to not look behind me.

I slammed the car door behind me, by way of physically putting an end to the experience. I sighed heavily with relief, trying not to reflect on my somewhat surreal experience.

Two Worlds………..?

I awoke this morning to yet again become aware that I am still the person who I was yesterday with roughly the same life. The same body, the same ruminating neuroses, the same seemingly obstructive physical self that I find my energies confined to.
It may only be me but I find this physical existence really laborious and limiting. That’s not to say I do not have wonder, love and excitement in my life, it’s just to say these feelings are channeled largely through my five senses which generally only relay to me the ‘ parts of the whole’.

I have spent time meditating and following my spiritual path as I see it and have been rewarded with numinous experiences which are near impossible to explain using everyday language.
I find that I straddle two worlds, one spiritually energetic and one enclosed and physical. I seem to oscillate between the two mostly,  grounding helps to stop me becoming completely disorientated and confused by my cognitive duality.
Waxing lyrical, it could possibly because I am as an energy not fully integrated into my body. Whether by accident or design I am aligned differently to many others who seem to go blindly through their lives with no thought for anything other than meeting their human needs.

Seemingly I have strong empathic tendencies and I suspect one gives rise to the other. It would also explain why I have never felt that I fit in with society and the ‘ human’ world. Perhaps there is part of my energetic self that recalls my oneness with nature and the Universe, the feelings of peace, love and completeness often feel a hairs breadth away. Just out of sight, beyond the veil created by my physical self.

Being an Empath, a Blessing and a Curse…..

Just for clarification, I only really write from my own experience as this is as close to any kind of reality I can describe. Everyone has a unique way of viewing the world, therefore my hope is that some of my experiences and thoughts resonate with others and possibly help them at some stage with negotiating their way along life’s often precarious and confusing path. 
I have been reflecting on my life prior to having discovered that I had empathic tendencies and have realised just how much chaos and confusion was as a result of my lack of understanding. I see many posts describing individuals situations to which I can all to easily relate. 
I dated a lady who was extremely emotionally unstable, she was quick to become overwhelmed with devastating negative feelings which all to easily transferred to me. I felt her despair, her nihilism, her ambivalence to life and death. In that ambivalence she had made herself free to act and not be concerned about the consequences. She was often in emotional and behavioral freefall, chaotically going from one disastrous and self damaging situation to another. Those feelings at that time I had felt to be mine also. I therefore acted in a similar manner, it was as if I was committing acts of deliberate self harm to myself and my life. Thankfully much time has passed but when I look back I feel that being empathic allowed me to experience these emotions in a way that has helped me understand others in a way that is unique. I truly do know what emotions and feelings certain people are experiencing and this has helped myself to assist others through difficult times in their life. 
Previous to becoming aware of my empathic side I also have felt great sorrow, great fury, great peace and great love to name a few emotions. At that time, as I had attributed those emotions to myself I fully experienced them, I lived them and was consumed by them. So although historically my life has been a complete emotionally supercharged mess, I have seemingly come out the other side with a wealth of compassion and understanding that otherwise I would not have had. 
For me the key to being more conscious of my empathic involvement with others has been meditation. Meditation has allowed me to simply observe my thoughts and emotions dispassionately making the much easier to monitor and control. Also through meditation, spiritual insights have occurred which have shown me that I am not an independently existing entity but that I am part of the vastness of the universe, a wave in the ocean of life and matter. Through these insights the ego diminishes and can be lost. This knowledge has turned being an empath from being a curse to a blessing. I have realised that my life isn’t necessarily about me, it’s about what I can to others in the hope of promoting love, compassion and understanding. However if we interpret our empathic / sensitive experiences on from an egoic and an “I” centered belief system, that is when it can be a curse.