Journey of an Empath

No one person or organisation has a monopoly on truth.
Certainly when it comes to spirituality and the development of same, there are probably as many paths as there are people.
Everyone has a unique predisposition and potential inherent in themselves, all that remains is for that individual to discover it, nurture it and follow it wholeheartedly. Also to trust in their own instincts to go with whatsoever resonates with them.
Saying that our spiritual paths do have some similarities:
– the knowledge in our hearts that there is more to this human existence than our everyday life.
– an irresistible inclination to follow this regardless of our circumstances.
– a humble acknowledgement that most others will not understand, so frequently it will be a lonely quest.
– and that as with all journeys there will be times of fear, tiredness, hardship and loss of direction. Nevertheless we know that the only way is onward.
So by imparting some of my experiences I hope to reassure other travellers that if we follow our intuition, progress will eventually be made.

For a long time I have continued along my spiritual path encouraged mostly by small glimpses of insights into the nature of life and perceived reality. Also seemingly by novel interests that I have collected along the way with which I have found resonance although I knew not why at the time.
Often the way ahead is unclear.
As we tread through life we often are walking in the wilderness with no particular identifiable way forward. Sometimes there will present a choice of paths to take and we have to decide which one ‘feels’ right for us at that time. There are many distractions along the way enticing in their apparent security and material comforts but my journey consists in part of the relinquishment of such, much as the spiritual seekers of old resorted to hermetism and paucity in order to gain clarity.
And occasionally if we are truly fortunate we will arrive at a clearing and the way forward becomes clearly apparent.
That dizzying moment when all of what you have learnt and encountered before unite in a coherent picture. When ones spirituality ( which is usually difficult to define in real terms) unites with one’s individual human cognition in a way that can be physically manifested ( lived) and can also be related to others in a comprehensible manner.
Not ever exactly but in way that can be expressed to some degree.

These moments are few but when they occur one becomes revitalised and further inspired to continue. One’s experience suddenly becomes fraught with synchronicities, every breath, movement and view become numinous, imbued with holiness.
I personally have had to take a week out to be able to assimilate the most recent occurrence for fear it may overwhelm me and render me unable to effectively live my day to day existence.

However the challenge is clear. For my progress to continue, I have to unite my future actions in the world to be in alignment with my spiritual heart.
It will probably again demand I remove myself from societal norms and live life authentically as I have to respond to the call of my soul.

“The fact that a man who goes his own way ends in ruin means nothing…He must obey his own law, as if it were a daemon whispering to him of new and wonderful paths…There are not a few who are called awake by the summons of the voice, whereupon they are at once set apart from the others, feeling themselves confronted with a problem about which the others know nothing. In most cases it is impossible to explain to the others what has happened, for any understanding is walled off by impenetrable prejudices”. 

Carl Jung. 

The Ghost in the Machine ( a paradoxical reflection)

” Listen – are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life? ” – Mary Oliver. 
So, what happened? 

I understand the premise that the whole is more than the sum of parts however it gives little in the way of logical explanation. 

So a coal miner marries a factory worker who begat a son. Neither parent ( or any other relative) ever had an interest in the esoteric or spiritual. They were both very grounded in their day to day human existence. Conversation generally touched on the unremarkable topics of football, work, family members and associates. Therefore in terms of hereditary and environmental conditioning I should not be whom I am. 

Also it appears that the majority of society live similar lives to that of my parents. 

I seemingly cannot. 

I am consumed by an inner restlessness, a thirst for knowledge and understanding of the world about me. An eternal journey of inner and outer discovery, of questioning everything that I happen upon. 

Despite society’s pressure to live within recognised and largely acceptable themes, I cannot. 

Many of my feelings and ideas used to remain locked away in my head and my heart for the fear of rejection and ridicule of others. Some such were:

  – my ability to read people, their histories, their hearts desire and their hidden agendas

  – the barely tangible energies of places and people, linking past and future existences 

  – the experience of none duality, in the light of which the physical world dissolves into a dreamlike state

  – the daily synchronicities, of eels and Ouroboros, of Nataraja and quantum reality. 

 

So here I stand, watching the world go by in a neverending stream of apparently meaningless activity. Very few seemingly stopping to question what they are doing or why. Most comfortably coccooned in their experience of mortal existence, of living within the confines a predetermined, linear and purely reactive life. 

So, back to my original question. 

What happened? 

Am I cursed? Gifted? Possessed? Individuating? 

A man’s knowledge is always going to be finite in the grand scheme of things, sometimes one has to accept that there are no simple answers. 

Personally I go with gifted and individuating . 

The immense depth and painful beauty of my experience of the world though at times a little overwhelming, is something that I cherish and would never relinquish. 
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Where Worlds Meet

Where Worlds Meet 
Throughout the world there are many places where the meeting of the past, present, future and possibly other dimensions are felt more intensely. These are frequently sites of ancient origin which because of their numinosity are still reverred in some capacity to this day.

In the UK these consist of innumerable stone circles, henges, barrows, hillforts, ancient settlements, holy wells and many others too numerous to mention. 
Being somewhat energetically sensitive I am drawn to these places as they offer an extremely subtle yet tentative connection to other realms and times.

Many theories have been offered as to why these sites are perceived as ‘ special ‘. From leylines to having alignments to the Moon, Sun, stars or other features in the landscape. 

My personal viewpoint is that we, as modern humans with our largely Cartesian / rationalist culture find it nigh near impossible to empathise with our ancestors interpretation of their world. 

But if we are able to become more meditative and ‘ open ‘ then I believe glimpses can be felt or seen from an energetic perspective. 
The flint built walls of the ruined church stand starkly within the henge. Originally sited here to portray the imposition of the new religion upon the ancient beliefs of the indigenous populace. But the henge within which it was constructed had witnessed and was imbued with thousands of years of pagan supplication.
Sitting on a large cold, granite stone just below the medieval church’s tower I observed the dusk descend around me. The last deep amber rays of sunlight cast long shadows across the open landscape of fields, hedges and copses. A slight, ethereal mist hovered precariously over the grassland and the soft banks of the henge and barrow. As if to suggest the gentle rising of past spirits into the silence and security of the evening. Unseen and uninterrupted, they were again free to roam their home land as they once did. 

I could hear the distant hoofbeats of arriving horsemen from an ancient past.

I could hear the long gone church bells toll their last before Nature silenced them for eternity. 
It was as if time had stood still. 

Miniscule stars appeared overhead piercing the blackening velvet of the night sky. 

An overwhelming sense of stillness enveloped the area in and around the henge. 

The intensity of the silence penetrated my core. 

Every animal in the vicinity had seemingly held its breath as if in anticipation. 
My usual human senses no longer individually provided separate feedback from the outside world. 

My physical self had become as one with the world around me, no boundary remained.

There was no longer a separate ‘ I ‘. 

In that singular awareness of non duality, the entire unity of the universe and all therein was laid out in an infinite vision of interconnectedness. 
The deceitful human experience of time was lain to rest with the realisation that all that ever was, is or will be,were there and forever present. The grey veils that had divided the past from the future were simply an illusion.

This place is an organic sancta of Gaia. 

A site of reverence and revelation. Enabling her to impart esoteric knowledge in a way that is timeless and inaccessible from any other source.

My Cheatin’ Heart

I know by now not to go by first impressions. 

My hearts compass however has frequently directed my attention unconsciously to the presence of another. 

It can only take the briefest of eye contact and a fierce flame of attraction erupts within me.

In that simple glance I know you. 

You are :

– Hiding deep emotional scars wrought on you in your youth

 – Desperately in need of closeness and an unequivocal love

 – A raging passion for becoming physically and emotionally lost in the soul of another 

 – Seeking someone with whom to  live your life so intensely that all that will remain in the end are intermingled embers and ashes of two souls. One indistinguishable from another. 
Your wounds are deep and irrevocable. 

You seek to soothe them in the balm of another’s unconditional love, no more, no less.

That love will ease the pain and the feelings of emptiness within you.

But I know the cost.

I would myself become lost within you.

I would truly feel and share your emotional burden.

I would give my all to vanquish any past, present and future sorrows. 

I would be your knight in immaculate armour. 
But I know that I would be paying the ultimate sacrifice of losing my heart and soul. 

And for all that I am, I could never truly heal your past hurts. 
Yet I see within you an incandescent beauty.

A youthfulness retained.

An energetic vibrancy for life.

An ocean of love with which to impart.

A single mindedness and uniqueness found rarely in another. 
I can still love you but you can never know.

Metaphors Rising………….

My whole being is but a small part of the neurological make up of all existence. 

I am but an organic synaptic receiver and transmitter of information.

Paradoxically there is nothing more nor anything less than what I am.

Multiple metaphors rising in my mind, blurring any distinction of reality. 

As above, so below.

Macrocosm, microcosm. 

Soil, rivers, mountains, trees and rain.

Flesh, blood, bone, lungs and tears.

Atoms, neutrons, protons and electrons.

Planets, moons, stars and galaxies.
Seemingly the only division between myself and the entirety of existence is my thought.

I am and am not the centre of the universe depending on my perspective at any given moment. 

I am simply an energetic event in a vast infinite ocean of seamless unified energetic activity. 

Nothing more and nothing less. 
My previous human egoic self can never recover.

For such awareness washes away the ego as a tsunami would a sandcastle. 

My perception of reality forever altered. 

I am no longer condemned to the imagined solitary existence of an imprisoned soul in a dying body.

But as with everything there comes a price.

I walk this world seemingly alone in this knowledge. 

All around me individuals and societies enact a form of reality of which I cannot honestly neither acknowledge nor partake. 

Not that I was given a choice. 

However I would rather be in this place of liberation than chained eternally to the blinkered vision of mortal men.

It’s Not You, It’s Me……….?

Society largely considers what is normal by the agreed consensus of the majority. If I was in complete agreement with this then most of my communication in the outside world would consist of the phrase under which this is written. 

Indeed being empathic ( energetically sensitive) I feel that many of us find growing up and maturing in the outside world something of a unique challenge. 

At an early age we may discover that we are different from our peers and often our parents. 

The constant emphasis when at school and by others on the physical, percievable, allegedly concrete world felt as if most people only lived in a 2D reality. Their world seemed to have little depth, a linear monologue of an existence. 

My awareness of my sensitivity and my spiritual path are inextricably entwined. Indeed being energetically sensitive has helped create a somewhat unique spirituality in me that is reflected in many aspects of other belief systems ( that is Buddhism, Hinduism, Pantheism and Taoism to name a few). 

Through many conversations that I have had with others with similar experiences it seems we have much in common when it comes to living our lives and the challenges we face. For example, having been born into a society which operates on a model that is the antithesis of what we feel to be right.  This can lead to :

  – subsequent feelings of loneliness and alienation which may lead to social withdrawal, addictive behaviors ( in order to numb our sensitivity) or wearing a socially acceptable mask in order to fit in. 

If we do this however we compromise our ability to individuate and fully bloom into complete self actualization.  This may leave us feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. 

  – having to constantly assert our needs to others as most people presume that our needs must be similar to theirs ( in terms of space, down time, opportunity to be creative etc) 

  – finding oneself in constant conflict with others and institutions that prioritize materialism and egotism

  – having the desire for honest, open, loving human contact but mostly having to compromise due to the apparent lack of individuals who are unable to form relationships that do not involve some degree of attachment and / or dependence. 

 

Despite the difficulties encountered on my path and the many years spent in a spiritual wilderness, it has all been worth it. For every challenge I have faced has shaped me and furthered my understanding of the world in which we live. 

The ability to experience the external and internal worlds in such a searing depth and excruciating beauty has led to a true appreciation of lifes pulchritude. 

Any solace that I have needed has come largely from my inner self and has not been found in relationships within my social circle. For those that have found some with others, you are truly fortunate. 

So if over the years, you yourself have been your main source of solace, rest assured. 

To have retained your authenticity and to still be here is testament to your inner strength and tenacity.

Epiphany………..?

I had previously written of how I had felt that this last month had me feeling like a battle worn knight in the middle of a battlefield. Life has recently thrown many metaphorical skirmishes my way in terms of physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual challenges. 
I have felt completely drained, exhausted from defending many aspects of my internal and external worlds from those adversaries who would seek to undermine any integrity that I may have established. 
As I had previously explained, fortunately I understand that my human, egoic interpretation of my experience is only that which is incorporated and deciphered through my human psyche and senses. This stands in opposition to my seemingly deeper sense of non duality.  

Yet again that metaphor feels appropriate. 
I stand alone on the battlefield of life. 

Exhausted from the ongoing battles which I have fought. Not to gain advantage,  but simply to maintain the physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual land that I identify as self. 

Wearily I look around the landscape searching for a safe haven in which to rest. 

Smiling wryly to myself I come to realise that even after all this time, I hadn’t understood that actually there is no such thing. For as long as I am seemingly contained in human form then my mortal struggles will persist. 

In the distance I can see the ruined remains of previously perceived havens. Those of relationships and of material security, all of which were always inevitably perished due to their natural transience. 

Bringing myself back to the present moment, I assess whatever resources that remain. 

Tiredness, fatigue and weariness weigh me down. I may just have enough in me to sustain one more assault. 
Out of nowhere comes an earth shattering explosion.    I am thrown into the air landing heavily upon the ground, shards of debris pierce my skin and embed themselves into my body. 

Surely this is finally the end. There could be no way that I, or anyone could continue having undergone such an attack. 

Yet here I stand. Looking down on my physical self lying sprawled in the dust. 

It was just a game after all.

 It has taken years of struggle and heartache, to the point that my human self could withstand no more to realise that I would never really be destroyed. As a human I presumed that defined my existence. 

But now I am aware that my perception of self was flawed. 

It took my metaphorical physical destruction in order to realise that my essence is eternal. That in reality, I always have been and always will be. 

I am now freed from my human burden of perceived mortality. 

The doors of my previously finite understanding of life have been thrown open leaving me to live my life unfettered.

Our Life……………. A Factitious Autobiography?

Sitting quietly on the porch gazing upwards, I watch the gossamer like clouds flit across the sky. Constantly changing forms, merging and breaking apart from each other in a dance of perpetual motion.

I am silently and unobtrusively aware of my mindstate. Thoughts and images drift by, each vying for my attention. Each trying in its own way to remove my sense of passive subtle awareness and entangle me in some form of concrete action. 

Fortunately I am well aware of the minds ability to fill my day with distractions, I therefore simply allow myself to witness my minds internal activity. 
However, I have often noted that my senses and psyche act as a constant lens in which to incorporate and interpret my  subjective human experience.

This frequently seems to have led to my ego having created a seemingly objective storyline to my life. A storyline with which I am tempted to identify with completely. It sits far more comfortably with my mortal self than to surrender to my underlying sense and knowledge of non duality. 
As I reflect on the past month , I am presented with the following egoic, corporeal chronicle .
A battle worn knight finally taking a moment to rest from repeated and relentless skirmishes necessary to maintain a degree of equilibrium in life.

The two battlefields of home and work aligned side by side as if to prevent any respite as I go from one to the other.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I fall into an involuntary but welcome relaxed and meditative state. 
I have fought :

– Corporate deities who have sought to undermine any financial security I can muster. 

– Those who have also sought to encourage organisational priorities over human welfare. 

– Against politicians who seek to further impoverish the poor, disabled and elderly. 

– To tackle and disarm individuals who had insisted that a persons unique and personal experience as invalid. 

– To temporarily thwarted the ravages of psychosis in those who would succumb.
Then there are those more subtle, insidious adversaries who are much closer to home. The barely tangible voices whispering covertly to my soul.

Encouraging me to lie and deceive others to my own advantage. 

Suggesting that I use whatever skills I have in order to promote myself above my peer group. 

Ushering me to ‘ give up ‘ battling and resign myself to fate.

Inviting wrath, greed, lust and gluttony into my life in order for me to expend my energies in self pleasuring but inevitably self defeating activities. 
I understand unequivocally that as long as I am alive and in human form the battles will continue. 

But one day I will again reflect on my recent past to find a completely different tale has been told.

My life’s history laid down in my memory, like chapters in a book.
The key to my ongoing survival is being of the knowledge that I am truly not that which my mind suggests I am.

Of not falling into the delusion of self-hood.

Spiritual Crisis……?

The following is, as ever only my take on a certain aspect of life. However I have seen many posts and have received messages to my blog as to what this subject. It has been a concern of mine for a long time that generally Western Society does not effectively support people who undergo spiritual experiences.
I will not try and differentiate between mental illness and spiritual growth as that is beyond my remit and extremely complex. However it is worth bearing in mind that profound spiritual experiences have been a regular occurrence for people since time in creation. 
One can only really speak of our individual experience with any true objectivity. Of course most of us agree on similar themes as our human senses incorporate our world in a non dissimilar manner.

However it seems to me that certain people ( be them described as empathic, HSP or simply sensitive) are able to sense certain energies outside of the perceived norm.
It seems it can take many guises e.g being able to feel other peoples or places energy, being able to communicate with spirits and the ability to heal energetically to name a but a few. 

Along with these differing perceptions often comes a strong sense of spirituality. An awareness that there is more to the world than meets the eye.
This ‘ sensitivity ‘ leads can often lead some of us to experience a spiritual emergence or transformation. 

This may be completely by accident,  as a result of spiritual practice or by taking mind altering substances. 
For instance, a spiritual emergency is described as a crisis often resulting in intense emotions, unusual thoughts and behaviors, and perceptual changes. This crisis often involves a spiritual component—such as experiences of death and rebirth, unity with the universe, and encounters with powerful beings. Such crises bring about the potential for profound psychological and spiritual change (Grof & Grof, 1989), but often appear to be similar to psychotic disorders.
As I myself found that if this occurs in one’s life, there is often no-one to turn to for support or guidance. Certainly trying to discuss it with friends and family was met with dismissal or avoidance ( understandably). 

After some research I found that my experiences were not at all uncommon, however were still treated as mumbo jumbo by the medical field at large. 
Fortunately there has been some progress in recent years in that there has become a growing awareness amongst some professionals. It is still a little sporadic but seems to be slowly gaining ground. 
Therefore to conclude, if anyone you know seems to be experiencing something similar, at least offer a listening ear and support as it can be a very scary place to be. 

There is a charity called Spiritual Crisis Network who can offer advice / support if necessary. 
Sorry for the more ‘ informative ‘ type post but I feel some may find it useful.

❤ 

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Spiritual Individuation….?

It’s strange that it is more often when I am alone that I feel less lonely. 

I am not being exposed to others physical, psychological and emotional energies which can send ripples through my limpid pool of self. 

I’m not expected to become involved in socially constructed scenarios that have no true purpose other than to superficially acknowledge the existence of another. 

 I’m not susceptible to being overcome with the powerful feelings and needs of people around me. These, at times have led me to losing my sense of self and be drawn into their own dark night of the soul believing it to be mine also. 
Sitting quietly at home I bathe in sensual silence. 

As I look around, much of this life’s history surrounds me in the form of my pictures, photographs, music and books.

Each one carrying a distinct memory from the past. Of people and places, of related emotions too, both pleasant and not so pleasant. However, this menagerie of memories brings a feeling of peace and consolidates me in my humaness.
I draw comfort from my past and the lessons that I have learnt. From the realisation of the transient nature of reality reflected in old photos of my family and places I have been. 

From times I had thought that I was at my lowest ebb, when all that I could see in the future was an infinite spiral of despair. 
It seems obvious to me now that our life, our existence is simply a process amongst processes, a wave in the ocean, a ripple in the sea of life.

Our human neurological processes however can fool us into thinking otherwise. 

Our minds often dwell and fret due to our subjective experience of life. We get caught up with our programmed neuroses, worrying about the bills, our financial and emotional security. Our valuable time on Earth being spent mentally and physically scurrying around with the delusional idea that we can somehow insulate ourselves against the threat of change. 
If we can find our silent moments, either in some form of meditation or sometimes peaceful reflection we can find all the answers we need within ourselves.

Although outwardly our individual paths may seem very different to each others, at the end of the day we are all gifted with the power to truly see.

The answer is inside of each and everyone of us. It’s not about chasing egoic ideas in the external world as if they were butterflies but about looking inwards on our experience and accepting it without judgement. 
I feel life is generally a glorious gift to be relished, however we are after all human. This will undoubtedly entail suffering in some manner but an accurate perspective can often ease our transition. 

Our unique answer is already within us waiting to be born.