It’s Been Awhile…. ( on curveballs and life)

Well it’s been over a year since I last wrote a post and what a year it’s been ( well two years actually). Just when you think you’re getting a handle on things, life throws you a curveball or several in my case. To name a few

– Suffering burnout from work and subsequently anxiety and depression.

– My mother developing cancer

– My eldest son bring beaten up and getting his skull fractured

– Financial difficulties due to a lack of a decent pay rise in ten years

– Being newly diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

Anyone who has read my blog knows at heart I’m a spiritual type of guy, so as you can imagine my life has thrown up some pertinent questions.

Generally my standpoint in life is many things happen for a reason, even though that may not be clear at the time. I do however feel that I have actually learnt something from the pain and anguish.

I have spent far too much energy and effort filling time with unnecessary but pleasantly distracting activities because I felt that I did not have the recourse for other, more meaningful ones. Such things as social media, popping into coffee shops or simply getting stuck in some form of behaviour which prevented me being alone with myself. The behaviour provided an excuse to not really confront the real issues which were present in my soul. They made me comfortable but not whole.

I currently have Covid so any sort of external activity has stopped and I have been left with little else to do but dig deeper into myself for answers. I have come to appreciate again those things in life that are most precious.

– the searing, flame ridden sunsets

– the majesty of birds and insects going about their daily lives

– the verdant, foliage ridden valleys blossoming in the Summer sun

– the primordial peace one can find when in the depths of the forest or by the ocean.

All this, when experienced calls to my eternal soul. I know that I have been witness to these events since time began. Every moment of our lives is a blessing and pregnant with magic and wonder if only we had eyes to see.

Obviously these experiences do not change difficult circumstances but they do however offer a different perspective. One of appreciation and love rather than stress and self pity.

So yes, I believe my recent problems have led me to begin again. To once more become of the world ( not just in it) and suitably humble. I am surely grateful.

Journeying the Dark Night of the Soul

So here I am again. For many years I have traversed the path of depression and anxiety with varying degrees of intensity.

Those familiar feelings of sadness, listlessness, avolition and despair could almost be called my oldest associates. The continued attempts to cover it up from my nearest and dearest lest they worry. The anti depressants ( although vital at times to relieve the more extreme behaviours depression can elicit ) usually only really serving to put a temporary plaster on an emotional haemorrhage. The counselling and therapy where I have tied myself in knots without really appearing to address what the actual problem is. But this time I may do things differently.

I’m a kind of spiritual sort of guy and have thus for many years found a resonance with Carl Jung and his ideology. For some reason unbeknownst to me I had never thought to incorporate a Jungian view on my situation. His theory being that depression is not something to simply be rid of but a sign something is fundamentally wrong with a persons life. This ‘ problem’ may be many things and sometimes unconscious.

He suggests two ways of dealing with it. Firstly by going outwards and indulging in beauty / work and outer activity. The other is by going inwards. By ‘wrestling with the angel’ in order to learn from the depression. Through this it is said healing can take place and a possible growth of the personality towards wholeness.

The latter is the path I choose this time. I am fearful, yes, however this has gone on too long not to be faced up to and confronted once and for all. Wish me luck……

The Invisible Illnesses

Although mental illness has often been described as one of those ‘invisible illnesses’, it can be equally and even more afflicting than the more visible physical ones.

Many of us afflicted are found in all walks of society e.g. politicians, servicemen, doctors, shopkeepers and window cleaners to name a few.
We may have anxiety / depression / PTSD / psychosis or some disorder of personality but most of the time, upon a quick appraisal, we would seem no different to anyone else.
There is no physical test for such malaise, only the subjective assessment by a ‘suitably qualified other’. We can often feel invalidated or ‘weak’ in some way.

However the truth is far from that.
It takes an amazing amount of strength, tenacity and courage to carry on a day to day existence under the burden of such a diagnosis.
We can wake up every morning not knowing how we are going to feel throughout the daylight hours. We often cannot predict how we will cope and this can fill us with feelings of dread.
We often carry on caring for others, going to work and socialising despite the fact that every moment can feel torturous as we seek to maintain an outward facade of ‘normality’.
We frequently do this to support our loved one’s and peers, when deep inside we only really want to curl up under our duvet and await a better day.
We can often only hold ourselves together with a combination of medication, alcohol and drugs which can act as a transient form of putty to temporarily fill the gaps in our aim to present as a functional human being.

So although we probably won’t accept it or find it difficult to believe, we are deserving of acknowledgement if only amongst ourselves.
So I raise a toast to all those out there with those hidden illnesses.
We are truly remarkable people, unfortunately this too can remain unseen.

An Open Book?

An Open Book?

Before I realised I had empathic tendencies I often used to get confused and disorientated by the sheer swathes of emotions and feelings that used impose themselves on me from all quarters. Especially as I work with people suffering from mental health problems some of the mindsets I have found myself sharing has on occasions been harrowing.
Now that I am more grounded and insightful my empathy can really prove useful when working with individuals.
I mostly try not to pay to much attention to my intuitions on a day to day basis as it interferes quite badly with ‘normal ‘communication for me.
However I have at times used it to help me understand others and their motives.
I have met many people both in and out of work who I can sense their psychological position , their subjective interpretation of reality. No two people are the same.
For instance, a relative of mine has sociopathic tendencies. He felt very cold and empty emotionally, a feeling of not being to display or understand love as he had seemingly never encountered it. His only goal was to control his world in order to reduce any threat to his unstable ego.
An anxious / depressed individual who feels they are lost at sea, who believes they are at the mercy of an unpredictable world which may overwhelm them at any moment. Wanting only a sanctuary of psychological peace where they no longer feel vulnerable.
The fear of someone with paranoia, of not being able to effectively perceive threats, of what is real or imagined. Of not feeling able to share those feelings as it may only go to further alienate others from someone who already feels alienated from the world.
Every person tells a story – mostly people seem to be a sum of their experiences but in that, they are in still in a ‘process’. A process of becoming, depending on subsequent experiences will ultimately decide an individuals fate in relation to their growth and ability to ‘move on’.